Jessie's Girl

Do not fear the pineapple.

2011-04-04T19:51:00.003-06:00

Tonight I stood at my kitchen island, barefoot on the cool hardwood floor, cat at my elbow, cutting up a pineapple. This is significant for a couple of reasons: One, I've recently started slowly replacing chocolate and peanut butter with fresh fruit -- not an easy or unremarkable task. In my life, kind of a big deal. And two, because I realized I had never before, in my 15 years as a single woman, cut up a pineapple. "How is this possible?" I wondered, followed immediately by, "...and how the hell do I know what I'm doing?" Because I don't know if you've noticed, but cutting up a pineapple is not intuitive. I realized that while I have not, myself, ever held knife to pineapple, I have watched more than one man do the deed before me, while I have sat, elbows on the counter, wide-eyed and impressed. W.T. ever-loving-F.??

Then I started thinking about what else I've never done for myself, that I most certainly could. I've never shoveled snow. I've lived in Colorado for almost five years, through five winters, and I've never scraped a snow shovel on my own driveway. Could I? Well, I'm sure I could! But...why, when I could simply implore a man to do it, or better yet, live somewhere with snow removal included in the rent? I'm sure there are many other such things in life of which I am more than capable, but for one reason or another, I've always depended on others to fulfill. Aaaaaaand that's how a simple post about the pleasure of slicing fruit turns into something too deep to tackle on a Monday night.

So for now, I leave you with this thought: Just what else might you be capable of?

long time gone.

2010-12-05T16:10:00.002-07:00

So. I have been gone a while, from this blog. You could even say, from life, overall. I have not been present, really. I have been living inside of myself, floundering around, taking stock, occasionally reaching outward for help, but most of the time not... The past two years of my life have been perhaps the hardest ever. And in a lot of ways, I have faced them alone. Not because I have not been surrounded by the love of my friends, not because I did not have access to help, but because I chose to keep a lot of it buried inside. Not all -- there has been ugliness for all to see, and some to comment on, even gloat over. But for the most part, it has been a personal battle I've been fighting. As much as I do share, I keep more hidden.

That said, I would not still be here if not for the support of many, and you know who you are. If this all sounds very cryptic -- sorry, that's the way it is for now. I don't think anyone even reads this blog anymore, and honestly, I'm not altogether sure I will keep it alive. I am not quite sure why I'm here now, except that I'm sitting in the dark, at my little townhome, a cat purring on my feet, watching winter out the window, and feeling contemplative as the holidays encroach. And I don't know about you, but the holidays always make me think back upon the past year. Thank God I am in a very different place than this time last year. A much better place. Alone. But better.

This time last year I felt anything but merry. And not that I'm jumping for joy this December, but at least I'm no longer up late googling "how to change your identity and start over" or "how to run away". The chaos is not over yet, but one way or another, I should be able to put it all behind me come Christmas.

I say I'm alone this year, but really, I'm not. I may be living alone (and thank God for that), but I am not alone in my heart. It's ironic, really, that last year, I was surrounded by many, in my own house, but had never felt so alone. Ever. This year, it's me and Piper, and we're doing just fine. I do not feel lonely at all. Last year I felt despair. This year I -- almost, at least -- feel hope.

It will take a while for my finances to heal, for some damaged relationships to right themselves, but at least my heart is intact, even full. I am grateful for that. And I have those friends and family who have stood with me through all of it. There are also those that haven't, but then again, I hid a lot of what was going on. Even those who know "everything"? Don't. And probably never will.

This past year I have been despondent. Humiliated. Horrified. Indignant. Enraged. Morose. But I'm still holding my head up, moving forward.

Hooray for that.

The Great Turning, by Jennifer Lauck

2009-06-20T20:30:00.003-06:00

Note: This was written by Jennifer Lauck, an author who I greatly admire. It spoke to me, so I am sharing it. I am re-posting it from her blog. Maybe it will speak to you, too...

When your life becomes unbearable to you, it is inevitable you will turn inward. You can medicate or distract yourself, for a while, but eventually these alternatives will become unbearable as well.

Then you will turn inward and examine your choices, your experiences, your history and your culture.

There is no easy way to do this turning. In fact, it might be the hardest thing you will ever do. This is because your turning will be aggravating those who know you. They will be inconvenienced. They will not understand. They might even accuse you of being crazy, cruel and/or selfish. This is because you are now paying attention to yourself and not them. Yes, that will be upsetting.

But none of what they say or even believe matters in the end because, in the end, someone will pay the highest price for your unbearable life, if it goes unexamined, and that person will be you.

honestly.

2009-05-27T14:45:00.003-06:00

I don't know if i'll post this. But I need to say it. I have SO MUCH I could be saying right now, getting it out of my body and out into the universe, but I am constantly censoring myself. And I'm not sure why; I didn't used to have a problem putting my inner thoughts out into the Internet-sphere! Read the archives if you don't believe me! But now that I think about it, I do know when this self-censoring started. It started when I became a couple. Like, for reals. When I merged my life with R's, I began holding back on this blog. I think I did it naturally at first, out of a misguided sense of respect, maybe? Privacy? But see, blogging and privacy don't exactly go together. And I was honest with him, from the start -- he knew I had a blog, and he thought it was cool. Maybe that was the problem; maybe I didn't want to share my deep inner thoughts with him before he knew me better? I don't even know anymore. I just know that I feel like I'm going to explode these days, and it's not fair to burden just R with all of this shite all the time. So! Aren't you excited??? Here goes!! (aside: not to knock the cute kitty photo blogs, i know my cats are cute and fascinating and all, but srsly).

As I write this, R is at a job interview. A very important one. One that he wants, one that would be very good for us. One that he would actually enjoy. So naturally, he was nervous yesterday after it was set, and very restless last night, and then this morning, instead of looking in his earnest brown eyes and telling him confidently that he ROCKED and that he would be GREAT and NAIL the interview, that they would LOVE him like I do, instead? I suggested he change his tie. erm. Worst Fiancee Ever Award? Right here.

The interview is supposed to last until about 4:30. So we're about 2 1/2 hours in at this point. And I haven't heard from him, which is good, right?? RIGHT??? anyway.

If you hadn't gathered, things are pretty grim these days, in the area of employment. For both of us. At least he has bites, though. I do have a contract coming, one I flew to TX to train for last week, but it will probably be at least a week before I get the actual work. Even then, it's not full-time or self-supporting, but damn, it's SOMETHING. I so wish I could somehow enjoy my state of unemployment, you know? Why is it that throughout life, you have either money or time, but never both? God, I could be having SUCH a great time if only I had money right now. Do I miss my stressful day job? Hell no! But I sure miss the regular paycheck. And the awesome co-workers. So there's that.

Also, I'm not sure when exactly I became such a pessimist, but man. I can't seem to find the bright side of things these days. And I'm still rather pissed about the outcome of American Idol. Adam was robbed. Nothing against Kris, really, he has almost-equal airtime on my ipod these days. I just don't think he should have won. Because AI is important, people.

and that is all.

Antics in the forbidden zone

2009-05-17T21:59:00.004-06:00

This post is primarily about Bella. Bella, the sweet muffincakes who has turned our semi-harmonious cat-family into a den of chaos and mayhem.

For example, Bella likes to hide where she's not supposed to be.
Do you see her? Let me give you a hint: look carefully among the FRESHLY FOLDED SHEETS AND TOWELS:

It's a good thing she's cute.

We have also managed to catch another of her favorite activities on film, and our sudden and stern presence (with a camera) did nothing to stem her fierce determination.

While you can see a glimpse of Hank's tail in photo #1, he would like everyone to know he had NOTHING to do with these shenanigans. NOTHING.

Wild kingdom, CO-style

2009-05-12T22:38:00.004-06:00

This spring, we made a very wise investment: a $14.99 birdfeeder from Target. This investment has provided many a cheap thrill and much low-cost entertainment via what we have deemed "Kitteh TV", a/k/a the drama that unfolds outside the back door, as viewed from the cat perch.

Besides the obvious, birds, we have a baby bunny...

This never fails to bring a smile to Hank's face.

But then tonight, we got a new visitor...

He thought he was being pretty sneaky...

But then he realized he was being watched.

We don't want to wait and see who wins this one. We have little kids bordering our yard on all sides, so we might need to nip this one in the bud.

Any ideas???

lazy sunday: check

2009-05-10T17:41:00.002-06:00

We did nothing today, really, and I'm just fine with that. Yesterday was busy; we drove to the Springs, visited the step grandkids, then went to the home of K&K for dinner and disco dancing. SRSLY. There were homemade margs (thanks, K1!) and loud rave music (thanks, K2!) and dancing and -- ouch, I can still feel it in odd parts of my anatomy, but it was fuuuuun. We also received a very thorough demo of the Wii Fit (thanks, K2!) and I can't wait to have an income again so I can get me one!

So comparatively, today was tame. My body is a little bit sore and my mind is a little bit bored. I have nothing interesting to report. Dinner is in the oven. I clipped coupons. I made juice in my juicer. I brushed 2 of the 3 kittehs. See, those things just aren't that bloggable, so I guess I'll go now. I'm really just trying to stay in the habit of blogging, as i know how easily it can fall by the wayside. Until then...

night

2009-05-09T01:30:00.003-06:00

Nighttime has become something to dread. This is odd for me, because by nature I am a night owl. But lately, nighttime seems more lonely and tends to stretch endlessly til dawn. R and I are on different internal schedules, due to my unemployed status and his non-unemployed status. So he goes to sleep before me and rises before me. This is all fine, but I find myself now, at 1:30am, curled up in the bed next to my snoring fiance, typing in the soft glow of 48 hours mystery on the tv. There are two cats entwined between us, leaning against me and bathing each other with all the seriousness that kittens can muster. Their measured laps create a sweet rhythm in the dark, and periodically I reach over and pet one of them reassuringly. My hand comes away slick with cat spit.

I just caught Hank gazing at me in the dark with his intense yellow eyes, as if to say "thank you, mama, for giving me my very own bella to love." You're welcome, my feline son.

+++++++++++++++++

Tomorrow morning we will drive to Col. Springs to visit R's youngest grandkids, L (1 1/2) and C (6 months). Neither of them can talk yet, so the issue of what to call me has not presented itself; but I think I want to be "Miss Lisa". Reasonable, no? I am NOT their "Grandmother", and it's not that I hate the ancient connotations that go with that term (although please - I'm not even 40! or related by blood!). It's that I have not earned such a title. No spawn have passed through my body and I have raised nothing but felines of dubious character. I don't think it's fair to hold that title when it's not accurate. What do you think?

eeeek.

2009-05-05T14:11:00.007-06:00

So. Here we are, eons later.

I don't even know where to start, but here goes... since I have had numerous requests to get my blog going again. And since I've become somewhat reclusive during the past few months, maybe this will be a good way to update inquiring minds?

I haven't written anything for public consumption in - oh - forever, so I'm a little rusty. I am going to lame-out and go with a bulleted format, just to state a few important items... each one could probably be an entire blog entry itself, but this is why I've put off updating for so long -- it's simply overwhelming. This is about all I can manage for now:

Hank is large.
Like 13 pounds large, and just now a year old! He is hysterical. We lurve him. also, he has a new girlfriend, since Piper wasn't being very cougar-like...
Introducing: Bella!

She is about 6 1/2 months old, and she was an accident. An unplanned addition to the family, if you will. She comes from dubious roots, from a vague Craigslist ad in Col. Springs. R's youngest daughter adopted her in a fit of pet craving, then realized a few hours into it that she is still quite allergic to cats. We inherited Bella the next day. Though reluctant at first, we are now Bella-enthusiasts and can't imagine life with her. Neither can Hank...
In January, I once again became a statistic when my company did layoffs. While I am in good company, I am most assuredly looking for a new writing gig, whether that be full time or freelance. I am restless and anxious. But I don't want this post to focus on that right now. So, moving on... (although - if you have any leads, I will be your best friend forever - if i'm not already ;)
I am getting married this October on a cruise with close friends and family, although I am not actively planning the "wedding" part of it due to a lack of finances and inspiration. The two are intrinsically linked, btw. However, the cruise is still on, one way or another...

I know there is a lot more. A LOT more I'm not saying. But this is a good start, no? One big thing I've been contemplating is where to go with blogging in general. Do I want to keep this personal blog, or make a new one with a different focus? Do I want to continue to blog as myself, or go anonymous? I am struggling with the global blogging dilemma of how honest I can be when I'm blasting my thoughts into the ether.

Until next time...

It is time. Way past time, actually...

2008-10-17T12:39:00.005-06:00

I am stunned that I have not posted since August. And I apologize for never posting part 2 of the last post. Pictures tend to speak louder than words, so I am going to introduce you to the newest member of the family via photograph. Meet..........................Hank. :)

brand new, baby hank.

baby hank scaling the birdcage.

mid-size hank helping me work in my home office.

sleepy hank.

disgustingly healthy -- er -- large hank.

I do believe that Jess would be pleased.......

big paws to fill.

2008-08-18T15:14:00.007-06:00

So many things to share, so little time. But one has to start somewhere, right? Since the last post was about Jess, this one is about Piper. The Peeps. Peeper Leeper. The Claw.

We were concerned with how she would handle the death of her lifelong companion. The vet warned that she might freak out, go into a depression, perhaps even wander the house keening for Jess.

um, no.

In fact, the opposite was true. After a couple of days, when she felt pretty confident that Jess was not anywhere in the house, for reals, we actually caught her doing a one-way waltz through the great room singing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" in an opera voice. Well ok, not really. But almost. You could tell she was thinking it. Let's just say that Jess had been a bit cranky towards Peeps for the last -- oh -- year or so of his life.

In short, Piper has been enjoying the hell out of being The Alpha Cat for once in her life. Seriously, she morphed into a different cat than the one I'd known for the last 6 years or so. She preened. She strutted. She lazily swished up to us for affection. She talked. A lot. She even began channeling Jess for a bit, which really freaked me out. She would jump onto the bed at 6am and meow loudly, waking us up -- reminiscent of the late gray pumpkin. Not. Cool. We nipped that little habit in the bud, oh yes we did. (SRSLY, one of the only things about Jess I don't miss is his penchant for waking me up at the ass-crack of dawn).

She tried to step into big gray-and-white paws, she really did. But there was just such a ... presence ... missing in the house. Jess was such a big personality, and Piper, as funny as she is, is just not....and I know I'm an asshole for saying it...but she's just not a standalone cat. I don't even think she was comfortable with her new role, once the novelty wore off. It's a big responsibility, entertaining two adults constantly, making yourself available for affection 24x7, responding to humans talking in "cat voice" (you know, like "baby voice." only...for cats). We were wearing her out.

I hate to do this to you guys, I really do, but a girl's gotta work. Thus, this is ...

to be continued...

goodbye gray pumpkin.

2008-07-12T21:35:00.004-06:00

I have a lot to share, for so much has happened in the past two weeks. Joyful things. And I will share these things. But not right now. Right now, the only thing i can focus on is the loss of Jess, my gray pumpkin spice. We had to let him go yesterday -- he was just working too hard to breathe and he wasn't resting and he couldn't get comfortable because his body was so very full of fluid. He was not having a good time anymore. He still sat on my head every night and purred me to sleep, but I could feel his labored breathing, labored purring. It was just time. This doesn't stop me from beating myself up about it, oh no, I've been crying for two days now. I feel guilty. I feel relieved. I feel grief. I feel sorrow. I feel love. I feel responsible. But most of all, I feel the giant hole left in my life, in my home, in my soul, now that he is gone. I miss him so much. There will never be another Jess.

Jess
1995 - 2008

You know you've waited too long for a vacation when...

2008-06-27T16:34:00.003-06:00

you have noticed that you no longer have any short-term memory. You. Retain. Nothing.
the very thought of leaving the state makes you actually cry.
you're in a good mood on your last day of work. (like, people comment on the drastic turnaround)
your cat is like "GET. OUT."

Yes people, it's about time. I haven't been on a vacation (longer than a weekend and out of state, that is) since OCTOBER. That is too long. I can't believe it's finally here, but our Alaskan Cruise starts tomorrow!! We fly to Seattle at the crack of dawn (SRSLY -- we have to leave the house at 4am.), and the ship sails at 4pm. I'm hoping that somehow, some way, I can get a nap in there somewhere...because anyone who's ever traveled with me knows that if there ain't a nap, there ain't a vacation.

Heh.

So anyway. Enough with the cheesy cliches, it just goes to further show how FRIED I am. For the next 8 days, I have a great excuse not to post: I'M AT SEA!!!

Bon voyage, all!

you gotta start somewhere

2008-06-10T21:18:00.005-06:00

Wow. So it's been, like, over a month since I've posted. Every single day I think about posting, and every single day it just seems too overwhelming. So much has been going on behind the scenes. I really don't know where to start and I don't want to post a long-ass post with 800 pictures, you know? So. I guess I'll start somewhere and try to catch up little by little.

So, the house. It's coming together, although there doesn't seem to be enough time (or money) to do everything we want to do NOW NOW NOW. And yet. R is one of those guys who can't sit still when there are things to do, and now that he has an ongoing project, omg. He's doing. The yard. The landscaping. Painting. Everything. It makes me tired just watching him. (heh. i do stuff too, don't worry...). One of my favorite things that he's done is my home office. It's too excellent for words. Unfortunately, R doesn't want me to post pics of it until it's "finished". Um, I think what he means is "clean". Which... well. So here are a few photos:

So the pics aren't the greatest, but can you see my PURPLE walls?? Love. Now, here are some other house pics, just to give you an idea what I've been up to lately, in my long absence...

And finally...
I think that's all for now. I'm trying to be reinspired, so we'll see how this goes...

My little gray Lazarus. (alt. title: And then there were seven.)

2008-04-24T14:07:00.000-06:00

We moved into the new house last week. The first night we all (cats et al) spent under the new roof was Friday night. Starting a day or so before the move, Jess started going downhill. For anyone who might not know, Jess has been diabetic for the past year and recently developed a form of congestive heart failure – but we’ve been treating him with meds and he’s been happy as a clam, for the most part. Well this time he completely stopped eating. And drinking. For Jess, the no eating thing is significant; that cat eats his weight even on days when he feels like total crap. I knew it was bad.

It was really bad. By Saturday he wouldn’t come out from under my old bed, which is now in the guest room. When he did emerge to use the cat box (all was not totally lost), he couldn’t use his back legs very well. He would take three steps and then lie down and rest a few minutes before going another few steps. He had no balance and seemed very tired. My heart was breaking. Saturday night we opened up the front door of the house and encouraged him to come sit outside with us, which he loved to do in my Austin house. He hobbled down the entryway, the first time he’d walked more than three steps in two days, but he kept veering to the right, even bumping into the wall before bouncing back into a straight line. Veeerrrryyyy slowly. His eyes and coat were dull, but once he made it to the porch he seemed happy to be in the fresh air. We sat outside with him and shivered while he crouched in the cold wind and stuck his nose in the air, eyes closed in ecstasy, tail gently swishing. He stayed out about 15 minutes and then wanted to be carried back inside. We complied. I spent the night with him on the couch, while he stayed curled in a nearby chair, and I woke up every time he rustled. I don’t think he was really even sleeping; he was just breathing and being still.

Sunday morning he went back under the bed and wouldn’t come out. We coaxed him, and he let us pet him, reaching with our stomachs and faces pressed into the carpet, but he wasn’t budging. We spent the morning trying to locate a vet that could come to the house on a Sunday; we didn’t want to drag him to an ER for his final moments, but we also didn’t think it was humane to wait until Monday. We had no luck, but by then my sister and her family had arrived and we went to lunch nearby. When we got home, Jess was ON the bed instead of under it. Hmm. We moved a shallow water bowl (ok, a cake pan – we’re still unpacking, people) into the room and some dry food, and to our shock, he started drinking. And drinking. And drinking some more. The cat was soaking wet from his chin to his chest, as he was leaning into the bowl – poor pumpkin was so weak he could barely hold his head up to drink. Then he started nibbling on dry food. And nibbling. And nibbling some more. By Sunday night he was moving around a bit more, but still only taking a few steps at a time. Still, he wasn’t under the bed anymore. We gently carried him into the master bedroom and put him on the new bed, hoping he’d make the transition and I wouldn’t have to sleep in the other room with him again. He stayed. In fact, he climbed onto my head for the first time in a week and purred softly all night. I was thrilled, but still so so sad. Then, it was Monday morning. And the cat was fine. By “fine” I mean, eating, drinking, and walking around. Meowing insistently for us to lift him onto the bathroom counter so he could drink from the faucet. Following us around. Getting underfoot. EATING. AND DRINKING. His legs were still a little shaky, but he had perked up considerably. I went to work, and he was even better when I got home.

It is now Thursday and it’s like nothing ever happened. His coat and eyes are shiny again. Gray man sat perched on the verge of death, a calendar day away from the end, and now he’s totally back to normal. Only he hasn’t needed insulin in a week. His blood sugar (we tested it throughout the ordeal) is exactly the same as when we were giving him the shots. We haven’t given him his diuretic because he was so dehydrated. And still, he is happy.

We are mystified. The vet is mystified. But Jess?

Jess is … Jess. And I’m so, so glad.

We’re putting grass in the backyard for him ASAP so he can feel the wind in his whiskers for the rest of his remaining seven lives.

Controlled chaos.

2008-04-14T14:24:00.002-06:00

An oxymoron? I don’t think so, not in this case. You see, most people don’t have a Robert to help them pack and move. Most people don’t have the luxury of continuing their daily routine, complete with work-related stress headaches and freaky company meetings, while their significant other is busily packing up their apartment and trying to keep things moving smoothly so they don't have a complete nervous breakdown

This morning was the final walk through.

This afternoon I expect to receive the final numbers from the mortgage broker, but so far nothing. None of this is real in my mind until I see the numbers in black and white and see that this whole thing is actually feasible. Right now it’s all this abstract idea: somehow, that beautiful, new-smelling, shiny house that I’ve watched go from a blank frame through completion is going to be mine in less than 48 hours. Um. Yeah, right. My stuff is really going to be in it. This time next week, I will be driving to work from a new direction. Everything will be…new.

But first, the numbers.

In the meantime, Robert has been packing the apartment gradually while I’m at work, when he’s not in class or working. And he’s doing a bang-up job. The entire spare room, including the gigantor closet with boxes from my LAST move almost two years ago. The kitchen. Ahh, the kitchen. How I despise packing (and unpacking) kitchens. I did not know he packed the kitchen until last night, since I didn’t really go in there all weekend except to get ice cream. (what? I’m STRESSED, people). So last night, after an exhausting weekend of tying up loose ends before the move and trying not to spend any real money (except for paying the balance on our June cruise. uh, yeah, that), it was time to eat dinner. We were both spent and not in the mood to even go pick food up anywhere, so Robert heated up some soup we had in the fridge. And all was sweet and well and domestic-like. Until he went to serve it, and realized he had Packed. The. Bowls. All. of. Them. Aha, I said, that’s what you get for packing more than a day ahead of time, Mr. Smarty Pants!

We had a good laugh. And then we ate delicious soup out of a giant casserole dish.

What's been goin' on

2008-03-23T23:58:00.002-06:00

Just a quick summary of the past couple of weeks...
Babs was kind enough to take a photo of Robert and I in front of the almost-completed house!

Robert returned the favor by snapping us in front of the fireplace...my first Austin friend to visit my new Colorado house - yay!

The cats have some ideas about the impending move, and they're not necessarily good ones...
You're kidding, me, right???

And that's about all she has to say about that.

AI Haiku

2008-03-20T15:44:00.004-06:00

I haven't gotten to this the past few weeks, but I can hold my silence no longer...

Tiny Ramiele

There is no way you will win
Why are you still here??

notes on the current housing market

2008-03-03T21:31:00.002-07:00

In a nutshell, it sucks. But you all knew that. We knew that too. But we got a wicked good deal on a beautiful house in a great neighborhood and we thought we were on our way to the American dream. I mean, we still are, but there has been a rather large, heavy, spike-and-acid-covered wrench thrown into the mix.

So it seems that since December, when we wrote the contract on the house, the mortgage lender has changed their terms. They've removed one of the options they offered that made the house such a good deal. This little change in policy will raise the house payment by almost $400/month. Um, DEALBREAKER. I'm told it's just the "uncertain market" and "fluctuating interest rates" and blahblahblah -- but I still feel like they just pulled the rug out from under me.

So after the initial freakout this afternoon, Robert and I spent some time online assessing other options. I'm telling you, we freaked the hell out. Wouldn't you?? We decided to make a drive up to Longmont to see a different community by the same builder. The price points there were lower but the houses were comparable if not a little bigger. Imagine our surprise to arrive and find that one of the realtors we've been working with in our neighborhood had JUST been transferred to this new neighborhood! So much for checking it out under the radar! However, it turned out well; she was able to show us some of the homes that will be available in about a month, but she also said she was going to try and "work some magic" and find a way to get us in the other house (OUR house) despite the change in terms. She might have mentioned "seller incentives" she might be able to throw our way... so, yay!

My gut feeling is that we'll end up in the house we love, the house we've watched from the ground up. Looking at the other homes in this other neighborhood was weird; some of them are bigger, maybe have a larger closet, a roomier basement...but it's not "MY" house. I didn't hand-pick the carpet, the hardwood, the cabinets and countertops. My house is just perfect. It's exactly my style and I lurve eet.

So. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me, k? Should know something in the next couple of days......

second wind

2008-03-01T23:34:00.003-07:00

Well for the past two days, Jess has perked up considerably. I have no idea why, but I'm stoked about it! He's been chasing after Piper again, purring normally instead of the rattle-purr, and he's just generally been really playful, which is weird for Jess anyway...but it makes me happy to see him happy. Right now he's draped over a pillow next to me on the couch, staring at me while I type this. Maybe his meds finally kicked in? In any event, I'm cautiously optimistic. I really want him to have the chance to frolic in the grass again when we move to the new house...

Speaking of the new house, we went out there today and OMG it's basically finished!! On the inside, that is. They even put the carpet in this week! So the only things left on the interior are the blinds, the appliances, and the touch-ups. Outside they still need to paint the rail on the porch and put in the front-yard landscaping. Closing is April 16 -- the countdown is on!! I'm so psyched. Every day I'm in this apartment I hate it more. It's going to be so fun having a house again!

Well I just wanted to update; I am trying to get into the habit of writing more often, so what that means for anyone reading is that there are going to be a lot of boring posts where I just say "hey, I'm writing, whhheeeeee!"

Hope everyone is having a great weekend. It was in the low 70s today, and by the time we wake up in the morning it will be in the 30s with 3-6 inches of snow. Yeehaw, that's how we roll in Colorado :)

letting go is hard to do.

2008-02-26T01:53:00.002-07:00

Can you miss someone before they are gone? Is it really possible to “let go” and “prepare yourself” for the fact that your best friend will not be around much longer? I don’t think so. You can’t ever be prepared for something like that. And the situation is made worse by the fact that my friend’s death will ultimately be when I decide. It is my responsibility to take care of him to the best of my ability until it becomes selfish for me to keep him going. The little voice in my head keeps asking, “…but how will I know?”

I am, of course, talking about Jess. The furry gray man who has been my constant companion for the past 13 years, never judging me, never betraying me, loving me unconditionally no matter my mood or my weight. Never intimidated by my tears, ever patient with my emotions. Most marriages don’t last this long and aren’t this healthy.

He’s had a good life. He’s been adored. Blah blah blah, yes, I know. But why must it end so soon? First the diabetes, and now his little heart is failing. And I feel guilt, deep down, because he had none of these health problems in Texas. They started when we moved to Colorado a year and a half ago. I know that’s not logical, but it’s a fact and it hurts. Some have pointed out that perhaps he was “waiting” for me to find my human soul mate before he could let go. This is an incredibly romantic and sweet notion, but… seriously? He loves Robert too. Why can’t he live to be the ripe old age of 19 or 20, like some of my childhood cats did? Did his intense human-like personality simply wear him out? Did I wear him out? Did I draw on his goodness and strength to the point of draining him?

I have lost pets before. I had to let Meggie go a couple of years ago, and that was incredibly hard. I still miss her and often turn my head, expecting to see her steady gaze and hear her insistent, chatty meow. But Jess. It’s different. He’s different. It’s not that I love him more, but I love him different. He is more like a little man than a feline. Everyone who meets Jess loves him, cat person or not. He has converted even the most stoic dog lovers (Tam) and the extremely allergic (E.) into Jess-people. When I left him at the vet overnight a couple of weeks ago, when the techs brought him out to me the next day they said sadly, “…but he’s SUCH a good cat…” Yes. Yes he is.

I desperately hope, like everyone else with a loved one, that he will simply curl up on my head one night and go to sleep. I want him to drift off peacefully, absurdly content with his nose tangled in my hair and his paw resting on my cheek. But if that doesn’t happen, it is my responsibility to prevent his suffering, and I take that responsibility very seriously.

How will I know when it’s time? I think Jess will let me know, in his gentle yet persistent way, as he always has. I pray that he will.

AI Haiku

2008-02-21T15:39:00.003-07:00

Little Luke Menard

even with Luke Perry looks

you are going home.

hot, sweaty thoughts

2008-02-04T04:53:00.000-07:00

I got sick Friday afternoon, just in time for the weekend. I caught some version of what R has had all week. Mine came with coughing, loss of voice, and the always reliable sore throat. Of course it has gotten worse instead of better, and here we are at 5am (I've been up for 2 hours) googling homeopathic sore throat remedies.

Well I'm here to tell you to BELIEVE WHAT YOU READ ON THE INTERNET PEOPLE, because I spent about an hour reading a website with testimonial after testimonial swearing by the magical sore-throat-healing powers of cayenne pepper and/or apple cider vinegar. I was vainly looking for a more attractive remedy, say rose petals and honey. But no, cayenne pepper it was. As I quietly rifled through the spice cabinet, it didn't take me long to realize that of COURSE I didn't have cayenne, ACV, garlic, or even tabasco, other popular remedies a la internet. I hate hot shit. I scrambled back to my laptop, all the while trying so hard not to swallow (oh the pain), and desperately searched until I found someone saying that any hot pepper will do, not just cayenne.

Back to the kitchen I go. This time I mix up a hot tea concoction with generous amounts of honey and about 1/2 tsp of chile powder. First I gargle it, and when I find it doesn't burn my mouth as I feared, I start swallowing it. And I'm here to tell you that it works -- to some degree. I am not healed, but I can swallow now which is such sweet relief I can't even tell you, and THE COUGHING HAS STOPPED . I'll definitely make it until morning now, until I can go to the doctor (like any responsible adult) and get more serious meds, if necessary.

The only drawback I can see at this point is that I'm sweating. Like, my insides are sweating.
Go, chile powder.

the blahhhhhzzz

2008-01-30T22:14:00.001-07:00

this is one of those weeks where i just can't believe it's already wednesday. and the relief i feel over that fact is overwhelming, almost bringing me to tears. i have been buried in work, but i can see the light at the end of the tunnel, finally. i don't have a lot of news, but here are some "highlights" of the past week or so:

it snowed just enough tonight to cover the ugly black snow-pile remnants with a cool, white, blanket of snow. awesome.
robert has been sick for 3 days and won't go to the doctor. i guess he needs to die first. then he'll believe it's serious enough to warrant a doctor's visit. men = grrrrrrrrr.
jess's blood sugar is still wonky and unpredictable. we upped the insulin dose again, and his blood sugar seems to have climbed. however, he sleeps now, which he had trouble with before. so i guess we're making progress? poor grey pumpkin.
there were layoffs at my job but i "survived." why do i feel guilty??
robert and jess are currently snoring in unison.

um, that's about it. well not really, but that's all i feel like writing right now. just wanted to check in...

that is all.

Casa update

2008-01-20T00:49:00.001-07:00

So we went out to check on the house this weekend, and they've made quite a bit of progress -- which is freaking me out, since it's not supposed to be finished until April, and my lease isn't up til end of May. Everytime we go to the build site, I'm all telling the workers to "slow down!" For some reason, I don't think they hear that very often from the homebuyers...

So here is my actual house -- painted except for the door, front porch under construction...

Then we went inside, where I almost had a heart attack because... THEY ALREADY PUT THE WOOD FLOORS IN OMG OMG SLOW DOWN !!!

The floors aren't stained yet, but the way things are going, they'll be stained by NEXT WEEKEND OMG OMG SLOW DOWN !!!

Coupling.

2008-01-10T15:52:00.001-07:00

As many of you know, and as I have previously alluded on this blog, I am now one half of a couple. And until things really got going, it didn't quite hit me that I had not been part of a true couple for about 9 years. In other words: EEEK.

I am here to tell you that there is a big (BIG) difference between being in a steady, loving, ever-present relationship and being in a once or twice a month maybe-i'll-see-ya-or-maybe-i-won't thing or even "dating" someone--who you're really not that into--for a short period of time. The big difference, besides contentment, acceptance, and general warm fuzzies, is proximity. In that, you have it. A lot of it. A lot of that person in your space. YOUR space, that is, what was previously your space and your space alone. This takes some getting used to and has probably caused me more angst than it should have.

But please, cut me a small break -- I've had almost 9 uninterrupted years of sole control of the remote, the entire couch, food decisions, weekend plans (or lack thereof) and movie choices. However. It's really not so horrible to share the responsibilities of meals, housework, driving, making plans, and most of all, happiness.

So this coupling thing--it's really not a bad deal, once you let yourself relax into it and quit peering furtively over your shoulder for the ever-looming other shoe that is dangling precariously from the dark cloud that has been following you around for..........ever.

Not bad at all.

How to Survive a Colorado Winter: Part One

2008-01-09T14:55:00.000-07:00

No one wants a cold neck.

But I didn't know this, or rather, didn't appreciate or respect the pure misery of a cold neck, until I moved to Colorado. Now, in the midst of my second winter here, the second winter of "uncharacteristically" heavy snow, I totally get it. Having a cold neck? Sucks.

Looking back, I don't believe I even understood the concept in Texas. I would see colorful scarves in the stores starting in September (when it's still over 100 degrees there) and scoff. Oh, sure, they were pretty, but useless and sweaty, as far as I was concerned.

Well. I have been forced to swallow my scoff like a bag of burnt popcorn.

Here is what I know now: you can wear the warmest, coziest, puffiest coat on earth, the most luxurious down or the heaviest wool, but if your neck isn't wrapped in a scarf, forget it -- you're going to freeze your ass off.

Now, there are all kinds of hip ways to attach a scarf to your neck--we had a whole discussion at work about this today--but the bottom line is, you want something warm to fill the space between your nose and your collarbone when there is snow blowing down from the sky and your breath is so visible you can almost write words in it with your finger. And like the fashionista that I am (HA), I have taken to collecting scarves because they are not only useful, but a damn cute fashion accessory, as well.

Stay tuned for the next in this series: Gloves and the hell that is an icy cold steering wheel.

La casa bonita de Lisabella

2008-01-08T22:21:00.000-07:00

Since so many of my importants are not here for me to personally drag to the model and building site of my house, I am going to post pics here for your viewing pleasure. Here ya go...

This is the front of the model home...

Here I am standing in the master bedroom -- note the majestic mountain view behind me; also note that they are building a 2-story house on that lot, so enjoy the view while you can...

Here is my "great room" and the door to the backyard.

I realize it's hard to picture with these types of pics, but I am sure I'll continue to post as it progresses, so sit tight :)

resolute.

2007-12-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

In 2008, I will attempt to start blogging again regularly. Really. And to get started, I'm going to do a questionnaire proposed by sundry, then done by Babs and my sistah and Steph, to name a few.........it also seems like a really appropriate way to close out 2007, which was a really big year for me :) So, I present to you:

Lisa's 2007

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before? 
Soaked in an outdoor hot tub surrounded by snow and ice.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 
I don't make them, typically.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? 
Yes, my dear friend Hope had a baby girl named Greta.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
 Yes, a family friend I've known since birth passed away in October.

5. What countries did you visit? 
I only traveled in the U.S. this year. Gotta fix that.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? 
Travel abroad, a new house.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 
Labor Day, 9/3 -- the day I met R.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? 
Gosh, I really don't know. Not quitting my job in disgust?

9. What was your biggest failure?
Um. Not quitting my job in disgust?
 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, thankfully.

11. What was the best thing you bought? 
A house!! Although technically, that's not official until April of this year.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? 
Babs, for following her heart and going freelance again.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? 
Hint: a celebrity whose name sounds like "shitney".

14. Where did most of your money go? 
shoes.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 
Meeting R.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007? 
"Bubbly"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:  a) happier or sadder?  b) thinner or fatter?  c) richer or poorer? 
Happier, thinner, about the same financially.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? 
Travel.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? 
Stress out, work long hours.

20. How did you spend Christmas? 
Christmas Eve with my sister and her family; Christmas Day with my dear friends K and K.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007? 
OMG, FINALLY!

22. What was your favorite TV program? 
Grey's.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? 
Nope. Same asshole. ;)

24. What was the best book you read? 
"Torch" by Cheryl Strayed

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? 
Sarah Barielle (thanks Steph!)

26. What did you want and get? 
Love and acceptance.

27. What did you want and not get? 
A trip abroad.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? 
I didn't see very many. The most recent one that comes to mind is "I am Legend", which was not an Oscar winner or anything, but very interesting.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 
I celebrated with my friends and family in Texas, and I turned 37.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 
If I'd paid off every last bit of my debt once and for all.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007? 
Comfortable and warm.

32. What kept you sane? 
My friends.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? 
David Beckham.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? 
The war in Iraq.

35. Who did you miss? 
My friends in Austin who I don't get to see as often as I'd like.

36. Who was the best new person you met? 
Robert.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007. 
Everything that you know can change in a matter of seconds.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"Everything in its right place." - Radiohead

No time

2007-10-22T10:41:00.001-06:00

This is a quick update just to let everyone know that I am alive. I have been extremely busy what with a week-long trip to Texas, a boyfriend, lots of work, and the arrival of winter in Colorado!! Yay!!

I have many things to say but no time to say them. There is a lot going on, most of it good, some of it not so much. But overall, I'm happy and almost deliriously happy about the onset of winter -- we had our first snow yesterday!

Ok, gotta run. But I promise, I will be back...

Filling.

2007-09-21T14:36:00.000-06:00

I went in for a “simple” re-do of an old filling yesterday. The filling was cracked and silver and my new dentist was going to replace it with the fancy white fillings that last forever. I was actually scheduled to get both of my old fillings replaced yesterday. So imagine my surprise when it all went to hell in a handbasket and I ended up with my jaw pried open for two solid hours with two people tugging, chipping, drilling, and cursing at my poor mouth. On ONE FILLING. They only managed to replace the one due to “unforeseen complications”, so guess what? I get to go back NEXT WEEK to get the other one filled. YAY ME.

I was going to write something deep about how what we think will fulfill us might end up being more complicated than originally anticipated, or how that fulfillment night not fit right the first time and might need adjusting, and blahblahblah – but you know, I’m not feeling it, so I'm just going to leave it at this:

I hate the dentist.

Risk Assessment

2007-09-17T16:54:00.000-06:00

Risk assessment … is measuring two quantities of the risk R, the magnitude of the potential loss L, and the probability p that the loss will occur.
-Wikipedia

I write about this every day at work. I throw the words around as selling points to potential clients – that in order to make their data centers, servers, whatevers more secure, they must first let us help them take a risk assessment in order to gauge, well, the risk. I know, rocket science.

But I’m finding that this universal measurement also applies in other areas of life, such as matters of the heart. Think about it. All of us take a risk assessment upon the initial meeting of a Person of Interest (PoI), whether it’s conscious or not. The balance is delicate and intuitive; how does the risk compare to the beats of your heart per second (hbps), measured against the tingle factor (TF) and then the all-important kiss assessment (KA)? If the last three compare favorably to the first, then you pretty much have to go for it. It is, as they say, worth the risk. But. This doesn’t minimize the fear, ohhhhh hell no. Because let’s face it, there are those of us who would choose to forgo elevated hbps, TF or KA if we could be spared a broken heart at the expense of the PoI.

So we have the power to choose; to play it safe, to protect ourselves, to prevent further emotional damage. Seems like it might even be the smart thing to do, no? Most of us have done this at one time or another. We’ve let go of something based on the probability of the loss, no matter how badly we might have wanted it. We’ve cut our losses.

But have we? Really?

These are things that have been running through my mind for the past couple of weeks. The balance, the risk, the rewards, the potential benefits. I was told by a doctor once, when I was very ill, that if I was a “risk taker” I would choose the more dangerous, medicinal route that would either save my life or kill me; or I could be timid, choose to forego the risk, and live half a life instead.

I didn't go for it then so I could wuss out now.

The Fall.

2007-09-09T19:24:00.000-06:00

It's that time of year when the leaves are starting to turn and there is a definite chill in the air. It is Fall, and it actually feels like it, in more ways than one.

I have always loved Fall. Ever since I was 14 and fell in love for the first time, getting my first kiss, my first held hand, my first promise ring. My first high school football game, cuddled under a scratchy, musty blanket on the bleacher with a boy who made my heart pound out of my chest. Removing my retainer surreptitiously in order to kiss with tongue and not plastic. Wearing a borrowed letter jacket that smelled vaguely of smoke and teenage boy. It was so magical and powerful and new to me that I have forever associated this time of year with ... well... magic and power and newness.

But for the past [too many years to count], Fall has disappointed me. The excitement of the first cold front, the joy at pulling out the sweaters, the freedom of open windows, has been tinged with sadness and a feeling of being, well, anything but new. Year after year has gone by without the stomach butterflies I remember so well (although I can bring on simulated butterflies just by remembering the smell of my h.s. sweetheart's parents' van. mmm-hmm.)

The feeling associated with that most-special Fall of 23 years ago was hope. Blind, naive, stupid hope. The kind of hope you have before you've had your heart shredded for the first time. The kind of goofy joy you can only experience once, because after your heart has been shredded, you guard the pieces much more closely. You dole them out carefully, ever-prepared to come back around with a broom and dustpan and collect whatever might be left over from the next broken heart. And through the years, the pieces you are willing to hand out grow smaller. Consciously or not, you begin to only hand out the pieces you deem not as important, the ones you feel you can live without when they don't come back whole. Your capacity to trust is diminished, the spark of belief you used to have in the whole basic concept of love grows dim. You become convinced you will never be able to recapture that feeling of hope, that hope is for the young, for the innocent, for the careless.

But then, when you're least expecting it, when you have literally given up the silly dream of butterflies and blind hope, when you have accepted that your life will be a certain way and that's okay ------ you start to fall.

...to be continued...

honey.

2007-08-27T00:00:00.000-06:00

Today I caught up on DVR'd shows, on-demand movies, and napping. I also watched perhaps the most depressing love story ever, "The Way We Were." If you haven't seen it, and you're sad about lost love, DO NOT watch it. Especially with wine. Trust me on this. My therapist told me a long time ago I should see it, after a hard breakup with a great guy with whom I was not meant to be with. Her point, I see now, was that sometimes you can love each other greatly, but it still isn't enough and you're still not a match. Um thanks, therapist. I'll be calling you again real soon.

Anyway.

After sobbing myself into a nice long nap, I woke up and went about my day (read: watched more movies, laundry, more sobbing). I ended up in the bathtub, as I am wont to do when feeling emotionally fragile. Which brings me to the next portion of this post: beauty reviews!! It's been a really long time, but I thought tonight was as good a time as any to review some of my fave products -- because while I haven't been blogging beauty products, I've been using beauty products. The theme of tonight's bath was Honey. Honey and its lovely, restorative, softening, swoon-inducing properties. I lurve eet. Here's what I used tonight:

MMU's JoJo Honey Face Buff. If you have a chance to use this decadent mask, DO. It will leave your face silky soft like a baby's. Seriously. It is technically a "scrub" and has tiny little jojoba beads in it. But how I use it is I get in a hot bath, let my skin steam for a few minutes, and then apply it to my face like a mask. I then leave it on 5-15 minutes (depending on the length of my bath), then gently rub in the beads. I then rinse it off, and oila -- amazingly soft, amazing-smelling skin. It's a little sticky during the process, but sooo worth it. A little goes a long way.
LUSH's Mange Too massage bar. OMG. This is decadent. You will smell simply edible after smoothing this along your warm, bath-soaked skin. Lush's massage bars can of course be used for massage, but hard-core Lushies know they also double as lotion. Solid lotion, if you will. Smooth one over your legs, arms, whatever, wet or dry, and it will melt upon contact just enough to leave a film of sweet-smelling moisturizer. It soaks in quickly, leaving you supple but not greasy. I like using Mange Too because it smells of -- you guessed it - honey. It is yummy beyond belief. Note: if you don't have access to a LUSH store and have to order these online, don't do so in the summer months; they will melt. If you do get a melted one, just pop it in the fridge for a few hours and it will solidify again -- it won't be as pretty, but will work just fine.

That's it for now. I am going to cuddle into my bed with a nice serial killer suspense novel and drift into a sweetly scented slumber. Tomorrow is Monday and I have to be ready for anything.

ciao for now.

technicalities

2007-08-25T01:33:00.000-06:00

So technically, I haven't gone to bed yet, so it totally doesn't count as Saturday's post. This is Friday's post. Just so we're clear.

I just got out of a hot, milky bath in which I shaved my legs and armpits and soaked for 45 minutes in HOT WATER. Which I haven't had in TWO DAYS. That's right, this morning I still had no hot water, but my hair could not go another day. So yeah, I managed to wash my hair in an ice cold shower without getting my body wet. Determined chicks can accomplish miracles when they're cold. Anyway, I'm clean and shiny now, and my legs no longer make cricket sounds when they rub together.

So today was another sucky day at work, but there is at least a light at the end of the tunnel now. Hopefully it will work out and my soul will not continue to be slowly and agonizingly crushed. Because, damn. We sure do spend most of our lives in an office. I personally think that's messed up, but I've gotta pay the bills. One more reason to consider my running-away-to-Europe plan again in a few years... those people know how to vacation.

The point of this pointless post is that I really have no point. I do want to rub in, however, that I currently have my windows open and a cool breeze is wafting in. LOVE.

That is all.

missed a day...

2007-08-23T22:21:00.000-06:00

what are you gonna do -- fire me?

heh.

Seriously though. Yesterday was wretched and i feared what venom would pour forth from my fingers if I attempted to blog. So I didn't.

Today, however. Today sucked even WORSE, but is still a bit more blogworthy. My first clue that the day was going terribly awry was when I stepped into the shower and it was ICE COLD. That was not a nice way to start off, especially with the first crisp morning in months -- it was in the high 50s this morning, and the cold water was not appreciated. After calling the office to bitch about it, I was told that "oh yeah, they're doing some repairs to [my building] and it **should** be fixed today." Honestly? I'm greasy and weary but too afraid to try the water again just yet. I mean, what if it's still cold? Do I really want to end my day in the same unpleasant way in which it began? Really?

Then I went to work (with dirty hair) and had all the same drama to deal with. It was exhausting. I realized around 1 that I had a horrible headache, but I had a meeting at 1:30 to prepare for and I just couldn't bring myself to take 5 minutes and heat up my lunch. So guess what? This is so amazingly thoughtful, I almost cried. I felt my friend G walk up and set something down by my elbow -- and it was my lunch. That she had taken from the freezer (we have to label everything) and heated up for me. Just because. It tasted much better than it would have had I heated it up myself, that's for sure.

By the time the day ended, my head still hurt and I was cranky and exhausted -- but knew if I came straight home I would nap on the couch until like 11 and then be up all night. So instead I grabbed some pizza and headed over to my friend K's house, where we ate dinner and watched extra episodes of the now-defunct "Six Degrees" on the internet. And she kindly listened to my entire work rant from start to finish, not even chiming in once about how much she adores her job. Well, until I asked her. I needed to hear something positive, what can I say.

Finally I got home about 30 minutes ago. It's nice and cool outside again, so I was going around the house opening windows, when I saw them: the iPod earbuds. Strewn out in the middle of the floor. The same iPod earbuds my friend CrazyMomcat and I had searched for for at least half an hour before her flight Sunday. She knew she had put them somewhere obvious, but they were gone gone gone. The same earbuds she had to replace at Best Buy before her flight out. And it's been four days, and now they suddenly appear in the middle of the living room -- hmmm, I WONDER WHICH CAT THIEF MIGHT HAVE BEEN HOARDING THE EAR BUDS?
HMMMM?

Day two and counting

2007-08-22T00:03:00.000-06:00

Well I committed to posting every day this week, but wow. It's hard. I should have known this, because it's why I haven't been posting regularly in the first place, but still.

um.

I have nothing to share. I'm so sorry. I'm sitting on my couch with my boyfriend Jess purring just inches from my face. Oh wait - now he's draped one arm casually over the laptop. I think he's trying to communicate that he's sleepy -- well so am I. But for some reason my mind is like "but it's only midnight. you still have time to take a bath! or do a load of laundry! so many things!" while my body is all "sleep. must. have. sleep. beautiful, restorative sleeeeeeeep." Yes, the inner conflict rages on.

However, tonight, I will succumb to the sleepy. And i'll work on having more interesting thoughts tomorrow, mmm-kay?

feeling profound

2007-08-20T23:45:00.000-06:00

I am in a heightened state of awareness for some reason, on this typical Monday night, at the end of a nothing-special Mon-day. I suppose some would argue that every day is special. And yes, I suppose that is true. But if I thought about that too much i'd get all depressed about how my life is trickling away, moment by moment, wasted in a cubicle in a building overlooking the mountains, which is where my soul really should be. I mean, really. But you know, my soul is much closer than it was a year ago; baby steps.

It was very hard to go to work today without feeling a certain amount of bitterness. I had a carefree weekend with a dear friend from Texas, a weekend of deep thoughts, catching up, and silly shopping. It was a whirlwind, but a happy whirlwind, but I was not happy to return to "real life" today. And when I got to work, there was another issue there that promised to, and did in fact, make my day unpleasant. Actually, a person. Someone with whom I must collaborate, but who seems to make mistakes like they were going out of style--and each mistake has the potential to make my job just a little bit harder than it already is. This breeds bitterness, and oh, how bitter I have been. Yet I have felt shitty about feeling bitter about this person. Because nobody is perfect, we all mess up, who knows what's going on in this person's personal life that's making this person totally screw up at work, blahblahblah -- and I feel selfish for my attitude over the past couple of weeks and my mounting frustration. Even while I am suffering guilt for this, I am still simmering, annoyed. So as you might imagine, work is not my happy place right now. Not even close.

But hey - at least I have a mountain view from my small, gray cubicle.

[not bitter not bitter not bitter not bitter]

In other news, I rediscovered a blog by an author I greatly admire and she has been up to all kinds of deep thoughts lately. She has been writing about issues that are touching me in ways I haven't been touched in a while. I got caught up for about an hour just digging through her archives of the past few months, and rediscovering why I love her writing in the first place. She's a bit more "out there" than I am, but her approach fascinates me. She is definitely on a journey and it's damn interesting to read about. Anyway. It may not be your cup of tea, but I was in the right kind of introspective mood to absorb it tonight.

By mountain time, I am still under the Monday deadline for D's week-long blogging challenge, so yay for me! And yay for D for encouraging us to get to thinking and to get blogging again.

Score.

2007-08-16T00:03:00.001-06:00

I can't help it -- I'm still riding the incredible high of finding a diamond in the pile of coal that is the Ross shoe department. Oh, it happens now and then; my sistah has had more luck finding treasures there than I have. But tonight I became a believer. I found these boots (in black). For $19.99. OMG. They're so beautiful, so leathery, so funky. And so 80% off their normal price!!! A deal like this is found maybe once a season. Maybe. Last year I found The Deal unknowingly, on, haha, another pair of black boots. But they were totally different. They were. {shut up.}

Anyway, I can't get over the rush I have had for a few hours now. This led me to consider how incredibly sad it is that shopping gave me the biggest high I've had all week, since I went white water rafting last Friday. That's right. I said WHITE WATER RAFTING. Me, Lisa, the lifelong water-phobe. And it was fun, really fun!! I will post pics soon. You have to see 'em to believe 'em. The best I can do right now is to show you the post-rafting feast, where me and my pals ate what were possibly the best cheeseburgers in the world. Evah. You can see that we are still a little damp from the river. Behold:

Me, eating a cheeseburger.*

G., eating a cheeseburger.

and finally,

A., G.'s sister, eating a cheeseburger.

I leave you with that. I'm going to go cuddle with my new boots now.

*this might be the only existing photo of me without lipstick since I was 11.

Rekindling my Colorado spirit

2007-08-01T00:27:00.000-06:00

I have been in a weird emotional place lately. I think it's because it is summertime, which for the past 20 years has been my least favorite season, and now that I'm here and there's not mind-numbing heat, I'm able to focus on and remember the years in which it was actually my favorite time of the year. I've talked about Spring Canyon before, but I hadn't really thought about it in a long time. Like, since I've moved here, really. Which is insane. That place and those people had such a profound effect on me, changing who I was and how I thought about myself. I honestly don't know if I would have survived high school if not for my yearly escape to the mountains.

So imagine my surprise when I was driving toward the mountains last week, on my way home from visiting the nephews in south Denver, feeling kind of moody and a little bit lonely; wondering when this place would feel like home; and then SHAZAAM, the realization that um, I have felt at home here before, and I'll bet if I looked around a little bit, I could even reconnect with some of the dear people I knew so well 20 (gulp) years ago. In other words, HELLO, Spring Canyon is only a couple of hours away!!! And a handful of the people I befriended there were from Denver, so I'll bet I could get on google and dig up at least some of them. It's so bizarre to me how that epiphany, a) took so long to happen, and b) made me instantly think of Denver differently; not as a giant, foreign city to conquer, but as somewhere where I had very happy memories when I was much, much younger.

So, note to self: begin excavation Spring Canyon. Before the summer is gone. I'd love to drive up there for a weekend and see if anyone I know still works there. I would love it even more if my dear friend Kelly, the only person I am still close to who understands and remembers that time, could explore it with me. KJ, that is a not-so-subtle nudge to get up here :)

I'm thinking a roadtrip is in order... I don't know about you, but I definitely need to reconnect with that other Lisa, the one who could laugh with her whole body, love with her whole soul, and truly escape the troubles of everyday life, if only for a few weeks a year. I live here now - I'm thinking I should work on making that carefree, optimistic attitude more of an everyday thing.

why life doesn't suck right now

2007-07-30T22:57:00.000-06:00

It's high time I climbed back on the blogging wagon, so i'm going to start with an update approach like my sistah did. I too will make a list of what I've been up to, which in my case, translates into why life doesn't suck right now. Here goes!

I am still benefiting from the aftereffects of a week-long vacation with some of my favorite people. Work has been stressful and busy since I've returned, but thanks to the time away I seem to be handling it with better perspective and not freaking out. This is a good thing.
Shutterfly. Seriously. I needed to post my photos somewhere where I could get prints, and I chose Shutterfly for various reasons. It's been awesome - - I even ordered notecards with Jess on them -- if only I could think of a reason to send them out!! I have cute notecards, y'all! Be on the lookout, at some point or another you might be the recipient of a smiling cat in your mailbox... You can also order magnets, coffee mugs, everything. It's a great place for making a gift for that hard-to-buy-for-person on your list.
Weight Watchers. I've been doing this for a few months now with success. It's slow going, but it's supposed to be; they say the slower, more naturally it comes off the longer it stays off. We'll see, since I'm in it for the long haul. I have hesitated to post about this because I hate hate hate making such an announcement and then falling off the horse and having to admit that to everyone... but I figure maybe this will actually make me more accountable. I've lost almost 20 pounds, which feels good, but I am keenly aware that I have a long way to go. But it sure helps the motivation to wake up in the morning and fit into pants you've had stored away for a couple of years...!!! Anyway - hooray for a plan that works!
Visitors! Babs will be here this Thursday, and then Steph is coming to see me just a couple weeks after that. I'm so excited to see my pals! This will also make August fly by fast, getting us closer to the fall/winter--my favorite seasons :)
Visiting! I am going to Texas for a week in October, and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again. I've resigned myself to the fact that it will most certainly still be hotter than hell, even in October, but oh well...I can fly home to snow, perhaps ;)

So that's kind of what's going on. This summer has flown by, that's for sure! I really don't know where July went. Not that I'm complaining...it hasn't been Texas-hot here, but hot for Colorado nonetheless. Interesting to see how I really do hate being hot, no matter how beautiful it is outside or what state I'm in...

Ciao for now.

so long

2007-07-23T00:45:00.000-06:00

No, I'm not saying goodbye to blogging, although it may seem like it since i've been so scarce. I really don't know why I haven't felt compelled to write. I've been reading a lot instead...does that count for something?

I'm no longer depressed about being back in Colorado (as opposed to being on vacation -- but i keep reminding myself that CO is like living on vacation, i just need to do more), but i'm still not thrilled with my day job. Then again, how many people do you know who are? Actually thrilled with their day jobs?

Depressing. Sorry. Although in the good news department, yay Babs for following your heart! You're my hero, spurning "the man". :)

Ok well i'm going to bed now, so I can get up tomorrow morning and start off another fun-filled week in the wild world of marcom.

good times.

(or...not. was this perhaps the lamest blog post evah? EVAH?)

post-vacation insomnia

2007-07-10T03:10:00.000-06:00

I can't sleep. This is the third night I've been back in my own bed since the trip, and for some reason I am wide awake. I think I'm still on CA time, maybe? I dunno, but it sucks. The worse thing is that I'm tired all day at work, then wide awake when I actually can sleep.

I hate coming home from vacation. I just hate it. I want to live on vacation -- is that really too much to ask?? I think I am closest to my authentic self when I'm on vacation. I'm stress free, rested, not worried about work, etc. The trip to Tahoe was just what I needed. Bonding time with my Austin friends, perspective from work, and distance. I loved it and I want to go back. But now that I'm back in my **real** life, I can already feel the knots re-knotting in my shoulders.

And being gone for a week has made me feel really behind. I have all these things to do, and I can't make myself do them. Fundamental things, like going to the dentist and returning emails. All I seem to want to do is stare at the TV and feel sad that I don't know when my next trip will be.

I miss this:
And this:
And this:
(a couple of those are probably courtesy of Dipu, but I'm not sure since we consolidated our pics... i'm sure between me, Dipu, Babs, and Matt, you will be seeing Tahoe pics for a while to come...)

Live Blogging from Reno - Hour 1

2007-06-30T12:30:00.000-06:00

So, it's been a while since I've blogged. Ok, a LONG while. But I have been totally buried up to my eyeballs at work, people. And freelance work. And then more work. But never fear, because just before they squeezed the last tiny sliver of life out of my soul -- I am on vacation!! I made it! I am in the Reno airport, people, and besides the minor detail of my entire brand new bottle of Aussie hairspray (lidless, I might add) exploding in my luggage, and the fact that I just spent 30 minutes in the bathroom trying to get it off of everything -- besides that -- I just discovered that the lovely Reno airport has FREE WIRELESS INTERNET. So that almost makes up for the fact that everything I own smells like purple. Cuz you know, that's what Aussie hairspray smells like. Purple.

Anyway. I have a mere three hours to kill here in the good ole Reno airport before my friends arrive from Austin. That's why I ended up bringing my laptop at the last minute -- while I did not know of the FREE WIRELESS INTERNET, I do have some freelance work to finish up. Erm, yes. I have ... work to do. On my vacation. Shut up. At least I'm here!!!

So in case you were wondering, if anyone still reads this that is, we are not vacationing in Reno. NO, we are vacationing at Lake Tahoe! Oh, you might ask, isn't that the lake that has been on fire all week? Why yes, it has! And it still is! But we did not buy travel insurance, so figured we'd tough it out anyway since we can't get refunds. Plus our resort swears up and down "it's not even smoky up here! honest!" So...it should be an adventure no matter what, right? More on that later. I'm sure there will be more.

And I become happier by the moment that I grabbed my laptop at the last second.....

more updates coming soon! maybe i'll actually be inspired to write this week, when I don't HAVE to -- well, other than that pesky freelance project I mean... which I hopefully will finish up and send off before the gang ever even arrives in lovely Nevada.

Ciao for now!

floating.

2007-06-20T00:15:00.001-06:00

I have never particularly liked islands. In fact, they've always made me nervous. I know better now, but it doesn't change my misperception as a child that an island was land that floated above the ocean -- you know, like a boat. A boat that could sink. Anyone who knows me knows I have issues with ocean water (as in, I won't get IN it), so the thought of walking around on dirt precariously floating above gilled dinosaur fish, aliens, and who knows what all else lurks in the bottom recesses of the ocean, was less than attractive. (I also have issues with lakes, thanks to Stephen King's The Mist. That story about a mysterious fog that rolls in over a lake and brings with it scary and horrifying and icky things scared the bejesus out of me in 9th grade, since I read it while on vacation at my Aunt and Uncle's -- you guessed it -- lakehouse.)

Ah yes, but back to my point. The point is that tonight, as I floated in my ginormous bathtub, I was doing my bathtub meditation thing and my gaze drifted down to the remaining bubbles floating on the water. I'd been in there about 20-25 minutes, so all that were left were the tiny, effervescent ones all joined together in different shapes that float along like...well, like islands. I leaned my head down and gently blew right onto Italy, and watched as a perfect circle formed in the middle and drifted, morphing, until it broke off into two little bubble islands.

I imagined that I was looking at the ocean from space. That I was an astronaut. Then I imagined that I was God, that I was watching the earth form over a period of time. I thought deeply about this for a moment, picturing how so many tiny people lived on the islands, musing, when my eyes drifted downward and rested on my feet in the bottom of the tub, barely discernible beneath the cloudy bathwater.

Damn, I thought, I really need a pedicure. My vacation is in a week... my vacation that is at a...............lake.

my life as a spy and the freckled redhead

2007-06-07T21:12:00.000-06:00

It was summertime in Ft. Leavenworth, Kansas. Probably 1979-80, I don't remember exactly. I was a bookworm and my favorite book at the time was Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh. I so admired Harriet. I wanted to be Harriet. So I became Harriet. with the help of my friend Diane Dunovan (sp). That sticky Kansas summer was spent hiding under the bushes planted outside almost every duplex on base - bushes my mom referred to as "funeral bushes". I have no idea what they were actually called, but they made good hiding places, that is a fact. Each duplex in my neighborhood had several concrete steps up to a tiny concrete porch leading into a rickety 3-bedroom home that might or might not have a basement. They were all exactly the same, except for the basement factor. We had one and oh how we loved it. But that's another story...

Diane was a gawky like me, pale like me, more freckled than me, bespectacled like me, and had light, carrot-colored red hair--unlike me. (I just realized I have had redheaded friends my whole life; Kirsten, Diane, Kelly and now Kirby -- hmmm.....) Diane was as nerdy and bookwormy as me, and maybe even a little bit more shy. We were also in girl scouts together. Again, another story for another time... In any event, she would pretty much do whatever I wanted to do. And this summer, I wanted to spy. So we both bought spiral-bound notebooks and began creeping around our neighborhood for hours at a time, "spying" on people. We would hide under the bushes and listen. In all honestly, I don't remember a thing we "found out" about anyone, as it was more about the covert ops than about anything we might have overheard. I can still smell the evergreen bush, feel the gritty dirt under my knees as I knelt, poised to run if discovered, notebook in one hand and pen in the other. I wish I knew where those notebooks are now; my mom no doubt has them somewhere in her attic, but it might be decades before they're unearthed... anyway, kneeling under the evergreens, trying to be still, trying not to giggle at Diane's funny faces; my heart pounding in my chest, wondering how much trouble we would get into if we got found out--those were the days of summer. I don't remember if we ever were discovered, I just remember the adrenaline rush that kept us going throughout that long, hot, Kansas summer. Me and Diane.

The summer before 5th grade, Diane's family moved away to Ft. Riley, KS. It was the way of the military; you met people and befriended them in two or four-year increments, then one of you moved on and most likely you lost touch. I really hated to see Diane go, though; she was quirky and could make me laugh at almost anything. I remember going to visit her in Ft. Riley for a few days late in the summer, and it already wasn't the same. She had a new baby brother and she was having a hard time adjusting. While awkward at first, we warmed up to each other over the next few days, and we spent the nights in sleeping bags on the giant screened-in front porch of her parent's house. Talking and giggling until we fell into sweaty sleep, then reluctantly rising with the sun. We would talk about everything -- moving, school, boys. I remember one night we pretended to be each other's boyfriend and took turns holding hands and kissing on the lips -- such innocent pretending, such high hopes. We would try to be serious, as we imagined a boy and girl would be in such a situation, but without fail we would dissolve into a pile of giggles. Someday we would know, for real. And we would sure as shit talk to each about it.

And then school started and another year passed, and the next summer my family moved back to San Antonio. And Diane and I lost touch for good. I wrote her a few letters, but she never responded, so eventually I just stopped. We would get Christmas cards from her family every year, and one year, while I was in 8th or 9th grade, the card came and said that Diane was very ill. Maybe terminally ill. With some unpronounceable illness neither my mom nor myself can remember now. Her mom explained in the card that that was why Diane had lost touch; she didn't want to explain to anyone what was happening to her. We were so, so young. She must have been so, so scared. I like to think I tried writing to her again after that, but I truly don't remember. My feelings had been hurt when she hadn't responded years earlier, and even knowing the reason why didn't make it stop hurting. In fact, it made it worse. That was the last time we heard from her family.

In the craziness that was puberty and first love and teenage angst and dad-wars, the high-school years passed and I didn't really think about Diane that much -- and with each passing year, the memories faded. But I've never stopped wondering what happened to her. I have googled her, but no luck. I also don't remember exactly how she spelled her last name, so that's also a hindrance. I think she's probably gone. And that makes me really sad.

She was the quirky, redheaded girl who pretended to be my boyfriend; who listened to my silly, girlish hopes and dreams; who even crept around underneath the bushes all summer, dutifully taking notes on every screaming toddler that rolled by on a Big Wheel. Ah, the glamorous life on an army base.

I hope Diane had the chance to have a real boyfriend, as I did. I hope she knew how much I cared for her. I wonder if she ever thought of me in those later years. I wonder if she might still be alive. I wonder, but I may never know.

And that's the thing about life that really eats at me; so many people pass through our lives, people who are huge or small influences on us at one time or another, and then they can just be gone, just like that, and no matter how hard you look, you can't find them again. I hate losing people.

I hate losing Diane Dunavon.

see into my brain.

2007-06-03T23:11:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to say this. Only she said it sooo much better.

hey stranger

2007-06-01T14:19:00.000-06:00

Ahhh, downtime. Sweet, sweet downtime. I had all but forgotten you. The last time I saw you was ….. March??? Wow. It’s been too long, downtime, my long lost friend.

Yeah. Sooooooo…. I finally have a slight lull at work. And it’s even more awesome because it falls on a Friday afternoon – yay! And my friend G and I are leaving at 5 to get pedicures, to get the weekend off on the right foot (i couldn’t help it. sorry).

So, we must address my post-less-ness. Would you believe me if I just said I’ve been real busy?? Cuz it’s true. Also, nothing earth-shatteringly inspiring has happened lately, besides my magical cat getting off insulin – until this past weekend, which I spent in Chicago with the lovely Tamara. I would blog about it, but she already did a really good job.

Truthfully, I have just been too buried in work and life to think deep thoughts to share with the Internets. Boring bullets I can drum up to make this post just a tad longer:

I found a pet sitter, yay! He works as a vet technician so I feel comfy leaving him in charge of my slightly diabetic kitty. Now I just need to find a dentist; GYN; optometrist … hey, it’s only been 10 months people! Give me time!
I decided to stay put in my apartment for another year. It was a difficult decision, as you could probably tell from my manic posts on here, but ultimately I just had too much going on to try and move too. So, this time next year I will hopefully be in my own place, or at least someplace that’s not attached to 30 other units…
I just planned a week at Lake Tahoe with the cruise gang over the 4th of July, and I’m so excited! We’re staying at this cool resort and it will be fun and relaxing. And I really miss my peeps, so we’ll do some much-needed catching up. Yay, less than a month to go!
My boss at work, the one I worked for in Austin years ago and who hired me here, is moving back to Austin in August and will continue to work for the company remotely. So I will be getting a new boss. This makes me sad and nervous, but I’m also happy for him as he’s been in limbo for almost two years now…
My precious youngest nephew turned three and was the cutest muffin evah at his birthday party. Three. Dude.
………

That’s it folks, that’s all the random stuff I can think of. I promise to post again soon! I will work on having some deep thoughts this weekend…

the magical cat

2007-05-16T22:20:00.000-06:00

Once upon a time there was a shiny gray cat named Jess. After 11 blissful and healthy years with his Lovely Lisa (LL), he was diagnosed with feline diabetes. He suffered through a battery of tests, including LL poking his ears several times a day and doing that sneaky thing with his shoulders when he was eating. Because Jess was patient and good, he put up with all this because deep down he understood that there was a connection between these things and the fact that he'd been feeling much more like himself lately. And he trusted his LL. After exactly two and a half weeks, Jess was feeling sleepier and sleepier. He was still good natured and loyal, but just...sleepy. His LL noticed this and did the ear prick thing again -- and to everyone's shock, found that his blood glucose numbers had plunged to the point where he shouldn't be receiving insulin. Remarkably, he had not suffered the side effects of this error, other than the sleepiness. He endured many more ear pricks over the next few days, until one day he noticed that his LL was no longer doing that sneaky thing with his shoulders while he was eating. Then LL explained to him that because he was a magical cat, he had magically gotten better, and no longer needed the pricks at all! Just to make sure, his LL continued to prick his ear every couple of days, but a week later his numbers were better than ever and --- no insulin. And the kingdom rejoiced and there was much ... magic.

Yes, Jess is magical. He is healthy. He is off the insulin, for now. His vet said this happens sometimes, that the insulin can "kick start" a pancreas again, more or less. We have to be vigilant and continue testing him every few days, but for now he's much more himself and eating and sleeping better. We all are. Can I hear a WOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!

In other news, here is a photo of my semi-new haircut, since some of you asked...

secret thoughts

2007-05-14T23:14:00.001-06:00

I don’t really like children all that much; only if there’s an emotional attachment (only nephews, friends' kids, etc).
I fear I will wake up at 50 and wish I'd had children.
I think I would be a shitty mother.
I fear growing old by myself.
I'm afraid I'll be poor when I retire.
I am afraid that if I don’t lose the weight now, no one will ever love me in time to keep me from growing old by myself.
I’m afraid that if I lose the weight and someone falls in love with me, I will secretly resent them forever for only loving skinny me.
I’m think it’s inevitable that I will die of cancer or heart disease.
I’m afraid I’ll always be in love with him.
I’m scared that I’m losing touch with some of my closest friends because I moved out of state.
I feel sad when I think about my other friends having kids because I know it will take them further away from me.
I still fantasize about marrying a millionaire and never having to work again.
I’m afraid if I didn’t have to work I’d go mad and/or gain 500 pounds.
I think I’m unlovable—ultimately, men have always chosen mates other than me.
I am often torn between lonely and grateful for my solitude.
I’m too attached to my cat.
Sometimes I really wonder what the point of it all is.
I don’t like my job.
I’m afraid something will happen to one of my parents and I won’t be able to get there in time.
I feel very disconnected right now.
I'm afraid I will never be published.
I worry that my nephews won't like me when they get older.
PMS kicks my ass.

I missed my calling. Or not...

2007-05-12T22:15:00.000-06:00

Warning: Another diabetic post.

So first it was the shots. And they hardly freak me out at all anymore, nor Jess. But then after his vet visit this week, I was instructed to wake up at 4:30am that night (exactly 8 hours after his evening shot) to test his blood glucose. Ok, I said. How? That's when they told me I would have to make my cat bleed onto a very tiny strip of paper inside a delicate machine that turns itself off if you don't use it within like 15 seconds. Oh.

I went to Walgreens and bought the glucometer and supplies, and dutifully woke up at 4:30. However, I utterly failed to test his blood. I now think it was because I was wussy about it and didn't want to stick him hard enough to make him bleed. Here's the thing: I hate blood. I am not in the medical profession for a REASON, people. I can't watch while they draw my blood and I would rather be completely knocked out cold than be aware of anything medically intrusive happening to me. So this was a tall order.

I gave up and we all went back to sleep. I tried again Thursday night and was finally successful - in part because I practiced on poor Jess before we went to bed, to make sure I could do it. That first poke was pretty awful; I won't go into detail, but it bled a leeeetle bit more than it was supposed to. Jess was really a sport though. He was annoyed, but forgot as soon as I gave him treats.

Anyway, his nighttime number looked good so the vet said to stay the course on our current dose of insulin. Cool. Then came today, when I was home with him all day long. And I noticed that he slept a LOT. Like, more than usual. And he seemed kind of groggy when I would wake him up by petting him. He was still good-natured, just...sleepy. I trusted my instincts and pulled out the ole' glucometer, and sure enough, his blood sugar was pretty low. Not dangerously low, in fact it was in the "normal" range, but it was pretty low considering he was due for another shot in an hour. After consulting this feline diabetes website I found and calling the ER vet for advice, I waited an hour and tested it again. It has gone up a little, but not much. And he's not eating as much or as enthusiastically as usual. So I'm waiting another 20 minutes and I'm going to have to test him AGAIN. I just want to make sure his numbers are going up, not down, before I go to bed. And I skipped the nighttime insulin shot, btw. My regular vet will get a phone call Monday to consult about lowering his dosage, as maybe it's working a little too well.

BUT -- and now I have finally reached my circuitous point -- I can't believe I'm actually capable of sticking a lance in my kitty-handsome's ear and getting it onto the tiny strip before he flicks it everywhere (live and learn, my friends), and get a reading before the glucometer shuts itself off. Rock. On. I hate blood, yet I am doing this. So, yay me. And yay, Jess, for improving so quickly! On that note, I leave you with Jess's very explicit comment on the whole prickly affair...

Busted.

2007-05-04T16:43:00.000-06:00

He knows. The Grey Wonder knows. Instead of pretending to ignore the needle I stick in between his shoulder blades when he’s eating, yesterday he confronted it for the first time. When I started pulling up the skin on his neck, he whipped his head around, like “Hey!” So I held the needle out for him to sniff. And held my breath. And he went back to eating and let me give him the shot.

You know what’s funny? Now that he “knows” what I’m doing? He makes a little squeak/growl to acknowledge the shot, whereas before he didn’t make a sound. I think it’s very cool that he lets me do it without a hassle. It’s almost like he can tell it’s part of what makes him feel better lately.

I love my little gray man. I hope he lives forever.

just checking in...

2007-05-02T15:18:00.000-06:00

I've been busy lately, blahblahblah. But really, I have. Here's what's been going on:

I've been giving Jess two insulin shots a day for a week now, and today he is at the vet getting his blood glucose curve, so we know if we're getting him the right amount of insulin
Jess does not care about getting shots -- he stands still for me and doesn't even wince - or stop eating for that matter.
Weird (super-weird) fact: the same week I found out Jess had diabetes? My brother, in San Antonio, found out one of his kitties has it too. And needs two shots a day. Weird.
My apartment complex is raising my rent $150/month if I renew my lease
They can kiss my a** -- I'm moving :)
But I'm not buying; I decided to pay for my freedom (rent) for another year
I already found a place i'm in love with
I should know something by tomorrow
Work is still crazy busy
I might be moving in two to three weeks
Tomorrow night I'm meeting a good Austin friend of mine for dinner in South Denver -- she's in Col. Springs for a work conference and we're going to meet halfway - yay!

Um... okay. That about covers it for today... any questions???

The Big D

2007-04-23T23:01:00.000-06:00

Well. Jess has kitty diabetes. Not shocking, given his symptoms, but still upsetting. Since his blood sugar is so high right now, they want to start him off with two insulin shots a day. Normally we might try to treat it with meds and diet first, but they're worried about getting his levels down. And so am I. So Wednesday Jess and I get to go back to the vet where I will learn how to inject insulin into my rotund cat. I'm not that worried about giving the shot; he has plenty of fatty, loose skin, and if I do it while he's eating, I doubt he'll even notice. This could be the naivete talking. I'm just sayin', if it was Piper needing the shots, I'd be out shopping for falconer's gloves and goggles.

Maybe I was mentally preparing myself for this, since I knew what his symptoms could mean; I say this because I almost felt relieved today when I finally found out what was wrong with my sweet pumpkin spice. At least it's not kidney or liver failure, which I was worried about. If you'll recall, that's how Megs died. However, his liver levels were a little off, which is another reason to get him up and running on the insulin sooner rather than later.

I'll update when I know more. Cross your fingers and claws...

Tidbits

2007-04-20T22:28:00.000-06:00

There's been a lot going on. Things like:

I've been in contact with a realtor to see about buying a condo in the next few months. I'm still not positive I am ready right now, but my lease is almost up in the apartment and every day I realize how much I HATE living in an apartment. So. We'll see...
I took Jess to the vet today because for the last few weeks his water consumption/output has gone up drastically and he's also been losing weight. And turning brown. That's right, his previously pure gray fur is going brown in some spots, and it's just -- wrong. Anyway, the vet thinks it's his thyroid, but we won't know for sure until the blood work comes back, hopefully tomorrow. She thinks it's either his thyroid; kidney disease; or diabetes. At least all of those things are treatable, if not curable. The thyroid theory would explain his new habit of waking me up throughout the night trying to trick me into feeding him AGAIN; if his metabolism is running wild, that would mean he's not sleeping well, he's hungrier, and more playful -- and he has literally been on Piper's back a lot lately. So that's where my money is, but who knows. I can either treat it with daily meds, or shell out a chunk of money up front and get his thyroid zapped with iodine. Oh goody, decisions decisions. Let's hope he just has a bladder infection or something curable with a few pills. Poor little man cat.
Work is still insanely busy. I don't like that it is insanely busy. I feel, mostly, insane. And very very busy.
Thank you Jesus, SANJAYA IS FINALLY GONE.

That's all I can manage right now. Oh, also my ex BT is getting married tomorrow. Good times all around.

I'm off to the bathtub with a bottle of wine.....
(just kidding. sort of...)

Weekly AI Haiku

2007-04-12T12:02:00.000-06:00

Haley, Haley, Haley.

Goodbye, Haley’s legs
Next week, you would have been nude...
Glad to see you go.

hating my sinuses: a haiku

2007-04-09T15:53:00.000-06:00

Rosy-looking cheeks
disguise the sly infection
raging in my face.

I'm all out of snappy headlines.

2007-04-07T01:12:00.000-06:00

This is my therapy, you know. Anyone out there, reading this? You are my therapist. Even if you never say a word, even if I don’t know you or know that you’re reading, it is still greatly therapeutic for me to come to this place, my little corner of the Internet, and emotionally vomit every now and then. So, thanks.

You might recall my previous post in which I complained about my crappy week. Oh, but that was only the tip of the iceberg. My mother called tonight to tell me that my dad has had another heart attack, and as I type this I don’t really know what’s going on or how he is. I’ve been assured it was a “small” heart attack, but not insignificant; “they” are puzzled because he had a quadruple bypass just two years ago, and has exercised ever since then, so how is this possible? We won’t know anything until the morning, when they go in (through a vein in his leg) and stick a little camera in his heart and check on things. I was told not to jump on a plane. But when I moved up here last summer, I didn’t realize the crippling sense of helplessness I would feel in a situation like this. I have never felt so far away from my family. If I were still in Austin, I’d have been at my mom’s house within the hour. But here, it takes a lot more finagling, and guilt all around. Not just my own guilt for not being there, oh no. You see, I come from a long line of guiltinators. If I were to jump on a plane right now, my dad would feel guilty that his heart attack has disrupted my weekend, and that would cause him more stress. I kid you not. The man was apologizing to my mom for having this happen “on Easter weekend.” Geez Louise.

Weren’t we just here? Didn’t we just do this? Even though two years ago seems so short in terms of his heart health, it also feels like a lifetime ago. A lot can happen in two years. Hell, a lot can happen in one.

I am going to try and sleep tonight so I can be bright and ready for anything tomorrow. Please say a little prayer for my dad – he’s lying in a hospital bed right now worrying about how we are all worrying about him.

disgruntled.

2007-04-05T23:18:00.000-06:00

I've been "off" this whole week. Not sure why, since I had a great weekend and this week at work hasn't been too terribly bad. I had a migraine yesterday, though -- man. It's been a while, and I'm so glad I don't get them too often. I was incapacitated most of the day, not getting as much work done as I needed to. Today was another weird day at work, and I'm still running behind. I have to catch up tomorrow, and I hate being up against the gun on a Friday. Oh well.

But those are just the surface things. Other things are bothering me, deeper things. For one, I've been emailing with the boy, and I still like him and still feel kind of sad. But I just don't feel like I can do the whole relationship thing right now. It feels overwhelming. And then there's the whole spark thing. So that's been on my mind; I resist the urge to write him back filling him in with my daily life, details we had started sharing, because I don't want to send mixed signals. And I know the signals would be mixed because I'm so mixed up.

Then, there's the fact that my ex has resurfaced randomly. He's not contacted me, although he's asked about me, but even knowing he is still sending energy this way freaks me out. It bothers me that I can go weeks, even months without really thinking about him at all; but all it takes is a hint and I start having the nightmares again. Like, I'm functioning in society, making friends, being productive, falling in love, but if I saw him again I just know we'd get into a shouting match within moments. Either that or I'd regress into a curled-up little ball, rocking myself while quietly chanting "hate hate hate hate". I have so much pent-up rage still, and that surprises and troubles me. I feel terrible saying this, but the truth is I have nothing but disdain for him and I really don't even wish him well. I feel scared for his kids and worry about how they're doing. It only took him 6 or 7 years to strip me of my self esteem, he's got them until they're 18. It scares the shit out of me.

Anyway. Oh, and fucking Sanjaya is still on AI and it makes me want to hiss at someone.

AI Haiku

2007-04-05T16:40:00.000-06:00

I can't help it. He's the only one who moves me to emotion...

Sanjaya, you make me cringe
I squeeze my eyes tight

And wait for your song to end.

Why were you not voted off?
I don’t get it, man.
America is stupid.

dance like there's no tomorrow.

2007-04-01T23:32:00.000-06:00

We stood in the private upstairs room of the cozy Indian restaurant downtown, surrounded by a few friends, a handful of acquaintances, and a room full of strangers. Everyone was breathless and celebratory, especially the birthday girl. Her red hair shone under the dim lights and her tinkling laugh made everyone around her smile. The music was silly and loud, and I stood next to my friends and the tall boy with whom I'd come. He and I were friends, but friends with potential. We had had one date once, which seemed to go well, but then nothing ever came of it -- except for more platonic happy hours and lots of laughs. So be it, he was funny and I liked funny guys. Sometimes we would get tipsy and flirt, which was always fun.

I remember that the festive air combined with my all-black attire, my red lipstick, and my slight wine buzz made me feel a little bit brave, a little bit hopeful. Significant eye contact had occurred with FTG (funny tall guy) and I was feeling fine. Suddenly, the birthday girl appeared in front of me, giving me a big hug, and grabbed my hand, leading me toward the mostly empty dance floor. I shyly pulled her to the side and tried to sit down at the edge of the floor, but she would have none of it. She giggled and pulled me again, and I panicked. She was shiny and bright and thin, full of joy and charisma; suddenly I felt lackluster, heavy, and terribly self conscious. My mind was spinning and I was keenly aware of funny guy behind us, urging me to go silly dance with her. It was then that I was struck with a vivid mental image of myself as I imagined others would see me--pale, puffy, perhaps with a shiny nose, fading lipstick, flat hair, shaking my body next to my thin, pretty redhead friend. I couldn't. do. it.

I shook my head and pulled my arm back, perhaps a little too hard, which surprised her. I sat myself stubbornly at the edge of the floor, FTG beside me, and just like that, I knew. I could tell from the change in his energy that I had blown it. I felt something in him cool toward me. I understood in that moment that it was never going to happen with us, because I didn't believe I was pretty enough, funny enough, fearless enough; because I was in fact too insecure to dance uninhibited at a party where I knew mostly no one. My friend had shrugged and danced away, pulling more girlfriends into her circle, but I remained seated, stiffly, with a fake smile pasted on my face. FTG got up and walked over to the bar, walked away from me.

We still went out with friends a few more times over the next couple of years, but any remaining spark had been effectively doused that night at the birthday party, as I hugged myself next to the dance floor and wished more than anything that I was thin and bubbly, or at least that I felt thin and bubbly.

I decided recently that I'm done with that girl. Not with my red-haired friend, although we lost touch not long after that party, but with that version of myself. I'm working on seeing myself as I want others to see me, not as I fear they do. Maybe I can do it this time, in a state full of mostly strangers; I'll keep you posted...

spring in colorado

2007-03-29T23:18:00.000-06:00

So yesterday it was another lovely spring day with highs in the 60s; I actually saw tulips poking through their bulbs and birds that appeared to be flying back to CO instead of away from it. I went to bed last night with my windows cracked and a cat on my head, as per the usual. This morning I woke up to 5 inches of snow, and it was still coming down. It stopped for a few hours in the afternoon, then started up again just in time for rush hour -- but this snow was not like the other snow. This snow didn't stick to the roads or sidewalks. It fell in giant, wet flakes, accumulating on the grass, open bulbs, tree branches, but not the roads--the roads were simply wet. I'm told this is normal for this time of year.

I like it. I wasn't quite ready to relinquish winter, my favorite season.

That's all I got. More soon...........

what a difference a week makes.

2007-03-28T06:34:00.000-06:00

So it turns out that my last post, while well thought out, was total bullshit.

I must have the tingle. Must. Have. It. No amount of rationalization can manufacture chemistry, and it's just too depressing to imagine an entire future with no chemistry.

and that's all i'm going to say about that...

Kissing a stranger

2007-03-23T10:34:00.000-06:00

The first kiss. So important, yet so unpredictable. In my carefree youth, I firmly believed that the first kiss told all. That the first kiss held all the potential of the relationship. If there weren’t butterflies and unicorns, don’t bother. And I have a few butterflied unicorned first kisses in my past, oh yes. Weak-in-the-knees, throw-all-reason-to-the-wind, heart-thumping, mind-numbing first kisses. But obviously, a first kiss can be misleading. Just because you swoon doesn’t mean he’s “the one”. Or even a nice guy, for that matter.

It stands to reason, then, that a mild first kiss doesn’t portend disaster. Or even a lack of chemistry. I know this in my brain, I know this from talking to my girlfriends, I even know this from experience. But it still kinda sucks, doesn’t it?

Or does it?

Maybe it is just too much pressure to expect fireworks the first time you are close enough to smell a person’s shampoo. Why do we think that if there aren’t instant sparks, there’s nothing there? It doesn’t really make sense. Because basically, the first time, you’re kissing a stranger. Isn’t it more logical that the sparks would intensify as you get to know someone? As you discover their unique-ness, their special-ness, their lovable-ness? As you slowly uncover the hidden treasure, the potential of a long and satisfying relationship? It’s like coffee, or beer (or yes, sex) – at first taste, you just weren’t that impressed and didn’t get what all the fuss was about. But the more you taste it, the more it grows on you. And before long you must have it, can’t imagine life without it.

Or perhaps it is even simpler than that. Perhaps as we have grown older and more mature, we have learned that things aren’t always as they seem. That snakes do hide in sheep’s clothing, that people do lie and cheat, and that instant chemistry does not equal love. Or even like, for that matter. We are not just vessels at the mercy of a temperamental sea; we actually do have some control over how we feel. And isn’t that a relief? By our late 30s, it seems we should understand that there are things more important than instant butterflies. Sure, butterflies are nice and all. But you can’t always trust the butterflies. The butterflies, they are all willy nilly. They tend to flutter around, causing a stir, and then flutter away, to the next bright and shiny object. Or they get caught in a gust of wind and mashed into a windshield. Hey, it happens. And don’t even get me started on unicorns…

I suppose it comes down to this: in the long run, would you rather have a delicate butterfly, or a determined bumblebee? I myself am holding out for an energetic hummingbird.

What do you think?

fallen

2007-03-19T23:01:00.000-06:00

Today, this happened. At my apartment complex. My building in fact, and my floor. I don't know the child, and I was at work when it happened. But even if I hadn't known about this tragic accident before I got home, I would've known that something had happened due to the palpable, lingering weirdness in the air. There was a horrible accident just down the hall from me. There was a helicopter on the front lawn where people play with their dogs and build snowmen. Everything feels different, and I don't know if I'm picking up on the anguish of the family, or if my connection to my own 2-year-old nephew and a 2-year-old little boy that died years ago is triggering the hell out of me, but I'm not anticipating restful sleep tonight.

Other stuff has been going on too, but I don't feel like prattling on about concerts and boys and food tonight, so i'm going to save that for a rainy day. Possibly tomorrow. Because it is supposed to rain tomorrow.

G'night then, and please send positive thoughts to this child.

too tired to post

2007-03-13T23:57:00.000-06:00

The title of this post pretty much says it all, but I still felt the need to check in and say "hi" or "I'm alive" or "I need a vacation baaaaaad". I have been working. And working. And working some more. And the novelty? Is wearing off. I can't relax even when I am at home because I'm feeling guilt about the work I **should** be doing instead of watching American Idol. I am dreaming strange things, often about writing sales guides. Not. Good.

I need a weekend or a week or heck, even a day, just to CHILL and not go anywhere, do anything, to not open the computer. Why is that so impossible???

So i'm sorry to disappoint my faithful readers, but I just don't have much to report. And I'm going to *try* to go to bed now.

p.s. i met the boy for coffee on saturday.

my ai haiku

2007-03-11T17:16:00.000-06:00

I have been invited, by my sistah and Crazy MomCat, to participate in the American Idol Friday Haiku. I'm a couple of days late, but here's mine:

oh, kellie pickler
why did you grow your bottom
to match your new top?

dangerous mind

2007-03-07T13:55:00.000-07:00

My disjointed, sleep-deprived thoughts right now:

- G. must not be gone for the day; her shoes are still here.
- It’s official: I cannot get a buzz in Colorado. It’s all or nothing.
- Why the hell is there nutritional information on McDonald’s Quarter Pounder with Cheese packaging??? WTF? Way to ruin a girl’s quickie lunch…

Also: it’s catastrophic when the server at work goes down. In case anyone was wondering. That’s why I’m actually blogging. Because I can’t send e-mails. Or surf. Or look up a word online (what? you want me to use a “paper” dictionary?? Do we even have one of those?…) I can’t obsessively check Tyler Durden to see if Britney’s done anything stupid today; can’t check the weather forecast, or cheap airfares, or all the other work-related sites I regularly visit. um. Anyway, with the server down, all my procrastination techniques are thwarted, except for the small irony that I CAN’T WORK, EITHER. Thank you, server. Thank you.

This afternoon I will finally enjoy a perk of my job I have not yet taken advantage of: free massage. See, there’s a massage school on the first floor of our building, and every couple of weeks they’ll send out mass emails to other tenants offering free massages so their students can practice. I’m not ashamed to be used, nuh uh. Especially since I paid $75 for the Worst. Massage. Evah. last week, and am still reeling from the disappointment. Free is good. No massage can be bad when it’s free.

So it’s been 45 minutes now with no server. Am realizing that this is what it was like back in the caveman days (no offense, caveman), before the Internet. I’m remembering now, it’s all coming back to me…. ugh.

i got nothin'.

2007-03-04T01:58:00.000-07:00

Seriously. i'm actually really wanting to update my blog, but i have nothing. to. write. about. no kidding. i have been working a lot, blahblahblah. freelancing some. buying winter clothes on clearance. um. there's just nothing to report, guys.

i talk to people on the phone and they say "what's new? haven't talked to you in weeks!" and i have to say that nothing is new. no new developments. just enjoying my lovesac, the fireplace, and looking at the mountains. that's it. it doesn't seem like enough and i feel like i should be striving to make my life more ... something. but i'm content right now. and content is not a bad thing.

i have pretty much decided not to meet the boy who wants to meet me because no matter what i do, no matter how much encouragement i get from friends, i just. don't. care. and i don't want to fake it. the thought of getting gussied up only to be sized up just makes my fingernails curl right now. don't wanna do it. i'm really enjoying my weekend of csi miami, the shield, and catnaps in front of the fire -- why muck up a good thing??

so there you go. nada. nothing. zip. zero.

i will try and make something interesting happen in the next few days, i really will. but don't hold your breath. seriously...

radical measures.

2007-02-28T03:26:00.000-07:00

I woke up at 3:11am sprawled on my couch, TV blaring an infomercial, and all the lights on. Damn. I removed the giant cat from my head, struggled to my feet, and blearily stumbled into the kitchen to a) feed said giant cat so he wouldn't start bugging me for at least a couple of hours, and b) hydrate myself. Then, flipping off appliances and lights on my way, I made my way into my bedroom where I plugged in my phone to charge, washed my face, and almost tripped on another cat as I climbed into bed. I applied moisturizer to my face, then my feet, then my lips (not the same moisturizer, of course) then reached for the remote control so I could turn on the weather channel really quick and see if the predicted storm had moved into the area yet. Because as much as I griped a couple months ago about being cooped up in my apt. for days at a time due to blizzard conditions, I was now more than ready for a freaking snow day. But...the remote wasn't there. Nor was it under the covers, where I usually find it, or under the gigantic [grumpy] cat who had settled in next to me on the bed. Crap. Where was it?? I scanned my messy bedside table, then sighed and got out of bed to kneel down and see if it was somehow under the bed, then under the bedside table, then behind the bedside table, then...a crazy idea popped into my head. I paused for a moment, considering. Then, full of newfound inspiration, I shuffled to the bedroom window, opened the blinds, and looked out.

No snow.

me me me me me me me me me me me me meme.

2007-02-17T22:34:00.000-07:00

1. What time did you get up this morning? 10:00
2. Diamonds or Pearls? Diamonds.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Happy Feet.
4. What is your favourite TV show? Grey's Anatomy.
5. What did you eat for breakfast? Chocolate chip pancakes with strawberry syrup. Here. As in, I made them myself. Close your mouth, it's unflattering.
6. What foods do you dislike? Fish, rare meat, brussel sprouts, raw celery.
7. Your favourite potato chip? Kettle regular flavor
8. What is your favourite CD at the moment? Justin Timberlake - Sexyback (shut up.)
9. What kind of car do you drive? Mazda CX-7.
10. Favourite sandwich? Chicken salad.
11. What characteristics do you despise? bossiness, two-faced, dishonesty.
12. What are your favourite clothes? Jeans and any shirt/sweater that makes me look skinny. -er.
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Paris.
14. What colour is your bathroom? One is red/cream, the other is green/earth tones.
15. Favourite brand of clothing? whatever fits. I like J. Jill and Eddie Bauer, but i'm not picky if it fits.
16. Favourite time of day? When I first get home from work and change into comfy clothes.
17. Where would you want to retire to? Up in the mountains OR Europe.
18. Favourite sport to watch? None.
19. Coke or Pepsi? Out of the two, Coke. But really, it's Dr. Pepper all the way.
20. Are you a morning person or night owl? Total night owl.
21. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? There's a boy who wants to meet me for coffee, but i haven't replied to him yet. Because I'm not really excited. So, never mind.
22. What did you want to be when you were little? A famous singer.
23. What is your best childhood memory? Spring Canyon.
24. Nicknames? Lisabell; Lis
25. Piercings? 2 holes in each ear, but I hardly ever fill them.
26. Eye Colour? Green.
27. Favourite day of the week? Saturday.
28. Favourite restaurant? The Texican. In Austin.
29. Favourite ice cream? Godiva chocolate raspberry truffle.
30. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? LUSH.
31. Bedtime? between midnight and 1am.
32. What are you listening to right now? The dishwasher running and a repeat of CSI Miami.
33. How many tattoos do you have? None.
34. Next film you'll see? No idea what's even playing, but I'd like to see Babel when it comes out on DVD...
35. Tag anyone? Anyone reading this who's suffering from blog block.

long time gone

2007-02-16T21:09:00.000-07:00

Well. So, I'm back. The past two weeks have been...shall we say........ frenzied. You know how when you wait to call someone back and the longer you wait, the harder it is to make the call? Because you know you'll need to explain and you're afraid they'll be angry at you? Yeeeaaah. That's how I feel right now, but I suspect that if I wait much longer, I won't be able to climb back on the wagon. The Blogwagon, that is. But in my defense, I haven't seen my nephews in almost a month, so it's not just you, people -- everyone has been neglected...sorry....

So in light of that admission, please cut me some slack and be entertained by a list...a mish-mash list.

1. I am now officially 37. Woo to the hoo.
2. I still have allergies in Austin. That magically disappear in Colorado.
3. Jess is a more reliable alarm clock than my digital clock radio/alarm. But. Leaving for five days apparently threw off his inner clock and he's been waking me up at 4am or 5am this whole. Entire. Week. O.M.G.
4. I really really miss my Austin friends.
5. I also really really miss fabulous Tex-Mex.
6. I'm really really ready to call a trainer and reverse the startling amount of damage done over a long weekend.
7. Everyone in Texas gave me flat birthday presents, since I, you know, flew there. Except for my mother, who gave me a giant puffy throw pillow. A very nice giant puffy throw pillow, but giant and puffy nonetheless. I'm just saying.
8. I've already had my annual hangover, so whew, that's over with.
9. I fall more deeply in love with Grey's Anatomy every single week.
10. I missed my Colorado friends while I was in Austin.

More soon. I promise. Including a new Weekly Blog Challenge! Soon! yes.

A lot of cool cats

2007-01-31T22:54:00.000-07:00

As promised, here is the list of all my pets and little tidbits that made them special...

1. BeeBeeBahBah the cat. Calico, I think. I named her when I was less than 3 years old, thus the name. I only vaguely remember this cat hanging out with me in the basement when we lived in Tennessee -- I would play in my cardboard playhouse and she would warily watch me.
2. Zipper the cat. Grey and black-striped tabby. I **think** Zipper was related to BeeBeeBahBah. Not positive, though. I just remember Zipper never let me pet her, she was mainly an "outside" cat. We gave her to my Grandfather at some point so she could live out the rest of her years on his ranch, eating mice and such, since she didn't really like people. Or at least, small people.
3. Icky the cat. White with black and brown spots. Named for his predisposition for farting. And I may have been young, but cat farts. Dude. Icky. He also got into catfights a lot and we would have to patch him up in the morning. Pretty sure he got run over by a car on Bronzeglo Drive.
4. Muffin the cat. Orange. Got run over by a car on Bronzeglo Drive.
5. Sam the cat. Orange. Replacement for Muffin. Also got run over by a car on Bronzeglo Drive.
6. Fluffy the cat. Alley cat with siamese markings. Got knocked up and then ran away, never to be seen again.
6. Smoky Joe the cat. All I can remember is that he was gray. But not a shiny gray like Jess, more of a dull gray.
7. Powder Puff the cat. White with black and brown spots. Got her from a kitten farm in Kansas. She was a very talky cat, very chatty. Had three litters of kittens in the basement in KS, including one very traumatic miscarriage. Lived a long life and then succumbed to some kind of bronchial infection.
8. Patty the cat. Orange. PP's "brother" from the kitten farm. Thought he was a girl, thus the name; found out a few weeks later that he wasn't -- but the name stuck. When we moved back to Texas, he got run over by a car on Bronzeglo Drive. I won't go into the morbid story of his death because it still makes me sad.
9. Misty the cat -- a gray/tan tabby with enough siamese in her to make her eyes crossed and her meow super-ass-loud. Adopted from a shelter, along with her 5 newborn kittens, three of which we ended up keeping. So begins the reign of the Misty Clan.
10. Melissa of the Misty Clan -- looked more like a siamese, but with random white spots here and there, just to let you know she wasn't a purebred. Very mellow cat. For some reason, my dad always referred to her as "The Silver Cat", which, ?????. Not silver.
11. Socks of the Misty Clan -- Black, rotund cat with a white chin and white feet. She was deceptively cute-looking, but mean as hell. Heh. She did this thing where if you held your hand above her head she would stand up on two legs and meet your hand. She could stand like that for an alarmingly long time.
12. Hallie-Bones of the Misty Clan -- Black with a white stripe on his nose and a white chest. This was my first boy kitty love. He adored me and slept with me every night until I left for college. I tried to take him with me after the first semester because he was so distraught, but I hadn't even backed out of the driveway before he peed in the backseat of my car. He lived the longest of any in the Misty Clan, and eventually replaced me with my Dad. Other thing to note: in his older years, he got toe cancer and had to have two toes removed. Toe. Cancer. WTF?
13. TC (for TomCat) (Not Toe Cancer) the cat-- long-haired white and black. Perhaps the sweetest-natured cat EVAH. Chose my parents' house out of all the houses in the neighborhood -- personally I think other strays over the years had put an invisible cat mark on the house saying "Will Feed Strays." He lived a short life, but he was very sweet and cuddly, like a stuffed animal.
14. ChaCha the cat. Long-haired tan/black tabby. Another stray, adopted after I'd left for college. She was my brother's cat and ended up moving in with him after he finished college. Lived a long life.
15. Samantha the cat -- Himalayan. She was my mom's cat, the offspring of two of my Grandmother's Himalayan cats. Nicole and I never really warmed up to her for some reason. She had one kitten once. One. And it died after a few days. Perhaps I harbored resentment over this? Who knows. She and TC were boyfriend/girlfriend until TC died (although he was not the father of her kitten--that little slut)
16. Meggie the cat-- long-haired calico. This was the first cat that I got on my own. Got her my sophomore year in college with my roommate Kelly. She provided hours of entertainment as she was a feisty, outspoken cat. Very talky. Not shy. When Jess came along, she rose to the occasion and grudgingly mothered him until he outgrew her by more than 10 pounds and liked to sit on her, just to torture her. She lived 16 happy years. Now her ashes sit in the window by the LoveSac where Piper unknowingly hangs out -- so HAHA to Piper who doesn't even realize that she lounges next to her arch enemy.
17. Jess the cat-- shiny gray cat with a white chin and white chest. He's my handsome boyfriend cat, the namesake of this blog. He came along in 1996, the year my Grandmother died. The ex wanted to keep him, but I wasn't convinced at first. Thank GOD we kept him, because it's been 11 years and we're still going strong (me and the cat. NOT me and the ex). The coolest. cat. evah.
18. Piper the cat -- long-haired black/gray tabby. Another stray, found in a drain pipe. Very skitzy cat, but very sweet and soft like a rabbit. Can be talky sometimes, but mostly lays low and picks her moments to cuddle. LOVES Jess. You can see the adoration shining in her eyes whenever he's around. As much as she loves Jess, she hated Meggie. Lesson learned: don't get two chick cats at once. A boy-girl combo tends to work out much better.

Observation in retrospect: Bronzeglo Drive is a very dangerous place for cats.

Ahh, was that as fascinating for you as I suspected?? There was lots more I could write about them, but halfway through I realized the only people who might read to the end are my mom and my sister, so hey. There you go. If Nicole participates, I imagine our lists will look a lot alike, but I'd be interested to see her memories of each cat and how they differ from mine.

Meow and good night.

Weekly Blog Challenge: Heavy Petting

2007-01-31T16:39:00.000-07:00

I do not have time to write my entry at this moment, but I certainly will later. This week's challenge is:

List all of your pets, past and present, and write a blurb on why they were special/what you remember about them.

I have a long kitty list on which I may need to consult my sister on any shady areas...betcha can't wait to read about them!

Don't forget to let me know in the comments if you participate...

Balm for the soul

2007-01-30T14:33:00.000-07:00

I just threw away my very first tube of Burt’s Bees beeswax lip balm. This is significant because I never, as in n.e.v.e.r., finish lipsticks or lip balms. No kidding, I have had this tube for years. I don’t know how many years, probably at least three. I know, it’s sick. The thing is, I’m so fickle that I am always trying to find the next lip product that will fulfill my deep inner longing for …well, I’m just fickle. I have TONS of lip products, but this is a first, actually using. one. up. I get this from my mother. But more on that in a bit.

So what usually happens to them, you might ask, as you picture a purse logged down by hundreds of lipsticks, glosses and balms? Well, my purse currently has 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8—9 lip products inside. It was 10, until I ditched the BB. And there are more all over my house. In my remote control basket thingie on my coffee table. By the front door. In my makeup drawer in the bathroom. On my bathroom counter. In my desk at work. Everywhere. And anything I’ve thrown away over the years has not been because I used it up, but because it started to look gross, it melted in the car (which shouldn’t happen now that I’m no longer in TX), or it started to smell like old wax. Unlike my mother, who still has lipsticks from the 70s, I throw away lippies when they begin to smell “off”. When they crumble as you try to apply them to your lips, it’s time to say bye-bye. Especially if they’re gift-with-purchase (read: free) lipsticks, MOM. :D I swear she still has lipsticks she inherited from my late Grandmother, because she never threw it away either. So you see in comparison, I’m MUCH better about it! I will throw it away, even if it pains me. [Incidentally, my mom/grandmother also horde/d other things, like shampoo, cleaning products, old towels – NOTHING ever discarded. But that could be a whole post unto itself: The Packaging Evolution of Windex, circa 1960 to Present” – just look under my mom’s kitchen sink.]

So, the point. The point is I’m heralding this using-up-of-the-lip-balm as a symbol of my new life in Colorado. I’m finally getting through my old stuff and truly starting fresh. Ta-da! See how neatly that all comes together??

Now I think I’ll break out the brand new, sealed tube of BB I bought last week, in anticipation of this dramatic event.

Meeting my own challenge

2007-01-30T13:46:00.000-07:00

Well, no one (that I know of) has taken this week’s blog challenge, including myself. In order to lead by example, I will do it now. About a day before NEXT week’s challenge appears…

I knew everything had changed the very first time it occurred to me that I could get a divorce. The world WOULD NOT END if I left my marriage. Suddenly I could picture myself not married, and happy. And from the surge of relief and excitement I felt in my body, I instinctively knew, in that moment, that I would do it. I would free myself.

It took me months of therapy to make my move, but even in retrospect, I couldn’t have left a moment sooner than I did. It was a long, arduous process, sparked by one brief moment of clarity--a moment that changed everything.

Week 3 - WBC*

2007-01-25T14:56:00.000-07:00

*(that's "Weekly Blog Challenge" for those not in the know...)

I am super-short on blogging (and sleeping) time this week, but I’m still going to announce the blog topic for this week:

Talk about the moment in which you realized you were facing a major turning point in your life. The moment in which you had the startling realization that “nothing will ever be the same after this.” It always comes down to one moment of clarity, does it not?

I will be posting mine at a later date, probably this weekend. In the meantime I will start sifting through my alarming collection of such moments and decide which one deserves a public forum.

Write about yours, then come back and tell me!

Week Two: Weekly Blog Challenge

2007-01-17T15:31:00.000-07:00

Here we are on week two of this, and I think it went well last week! Maybe I was inspired to choose this week's topic thanks to the premiere of American Idol, but nevertheless, here tis:

Write about the rudest thing someone ever said to you. You know, that one thing that has stuck out in your mind and you can't quite forget it or get over it, even though it was YEARS ago---oh wait, is that just me? Surely not...

A few weeks into my freshman year in high school, I was BFF with this girl named Christy who I'd met in 7th grade. We were sort of friends by default, as we were both "the new kids" in middle school. She had skipped a grade and was even more insecure than I was, but in her case, it manifested in bossiness/meanness/put-down-ness. Whereas my insecurity manifested in...well, insecurity. Anyway, this drama was building in which the boy she had had a crush on (unrequited crush, it's important to note) was starting to flirt with me, and this was the first boy who had EVER flirted with me. And I wanted to flirt back. It helped that I had just gotten contact lenses after years of coke-bottle glasses, and was feeling a little prettier than I had, in say, the last 14 years of my life. She picked up on all of this and was trying her best to thwart it.

So one day in PE we were walking across the gym and she said, conversationally, "...actually, I think you looked better in your glasses because your face, it's kind of plain. Y'know?"

I think I might have nodded numbly and changed the subject, inwardly crushed. And it shouldn't have mattered, because the boy in question ended up being my HS sweetheart, and she and I parted ways halfway through 9th grade, but I never forgot this. Even today, on the rare occasions when I'm wearing contact lenses, I look in the mirror and feel compelled to put on more makeup to brighten up my plain face.

I appreciate the mini-orchestra of tiny violins, thanks.

So, what's yours? Write about it and come back and tell me!

I can be...challenging.

2007-01-11T00:00:00.000-07:00

fickle
-adjective
1. likely to change, esp. due to caprice, irresolution, or instability; casually changeable
2. not constant or loyal in affections

I have an early childhood memory of my mother explaining to me the meaning of the word fickle--since she had used it to describe me, her small daughter. I don’t remember what I did to merit this label--perhaps I had spurned the PB&J I had demanded just yesterday--but it made perfect sense once she explained it. And it’s stuck with me ever since.

As I grew older, I preferred to think of myself as whimsical, or even mercurial. But let’s be honest: fickle pretty much nails it.

There is some part of me that wants--no, expects--to be constantly entertained, and is impatient with the least bit of monotony. In high school, where there was no time to be bored, this translated into boyfriend drama. In college, I was at my best during finals and breakups. Plus, I changed roommates and apartments almost every semester. Today, this trait is evident in my long resume, my choice to go from a house to an apartment at age 36, and the fact that I haven’t had a long-term relationship in almost 10 years. Oh, and that moving-from-Texas-to-Colorado thing, too.

I get bored with… well… pretty much everything. Jobs. Homes. Cities. Boys. TV shows. Lipstick shades. Food. The list goes on and on. And as for a long-term relationship--I’m afraid, at this point in my singledom, that I will never be able to cohabitate again--with a significant other or even just a regular ole roommate. And while that does worry me, on some level, I feel a sense of relief that I may never again have to compromise in my personal life, yay! I know. I’m on medication already, thanks. But it’s much easier to be single than in a relationship. You can make all the decisions yourself--about your finances, décor, free time--and no one gets pissed if you change your mind.

I seem to be on a four-year cycle with change and/or upheaval. My working theory is that this began as a child, when as an Army brat, I moved every four years to a new school, new town, new friends, new life. Then high school was four (miserable) years. Then college was four (better) years. Married for (technically) four years. A new car about every four years. I broke out of it when I actually bought a house and stayed there for six years, but that was an all-time record for me. I was in Austin for 12, which is a multiple of four, so, see! It still works.

Being fickle also means I can be indecisive and change my mind easily. I might begin the day excited about happy-hour plans, carefully applying makeup and donning all-black attire, and by 3pm all I want is to go straight home and nap--the thought of being “on” in a social situation the furthest thing from my mind. I can change a food craving in a heartbeat. Just suggest something else, try me. I also have a hard time buying furniture, because I might stalk a piece for months, then when it comes time to buy it, the commitment of it freaks me out and I decide it’s not what I want after all. (You have to look at it EVERY DAY. Come on. Hard.) (Do you SEE why I'm single??)

However. And it’s a big, fat however. With BIG life-changing decisions? I have been known to move quickly. Like with buying new cars, or my house (which I chose on the first day of house-hunting, and never looked back). Making friends. Falling in love. Let’s stop there, shall we?

This post is a roundabout way of introducing this new thing I’m starting, It’s a service, really, to help myself and fellow bloggers struggling with occasional writer’s block or lack of inspiration. I am going to introduce a topic each week, and I, and hopefully you, will write at least one post about it. Let’s call it…

The Weekly Blog Challenge.

(I know – I write headlines for a living, can you believe it??) I used to do this way back when, sporadically, but I think it’s time to do it formally. And while it’s late in the week, I have been suffering from Stale Blog Syndrome lately, and I want to get started immediately.

So, this week’s blog challenge is – Write something introspective about yourself.

Go, do it! Then come back and tell me.

Avalanches and seven-foot snowdrifts -- AWESOME

2007-01-07T22:08:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know, Happy New Year and all that, whatever whatever. Sorry, but this is going to be another riveting Weather Post. The only thing that's been going on for me lately is the freaky weather here in Colorado. So, yeah. Last Friday? Another. Snow. Day. Which may sound like a lot of fun to my Texas friends, and 6 months ago I would've agreed with you, but Damn.

Oh, great. Just saw on the news that Pres. Bush is declaring a state of disaster for parts of CO in order to clear out the mountains of snow. Mountains of snow. Get it? Haha. So besides the piles of gloopy snow everywhere and the persistent ice that won't melt because it won't get above freezing for the love of God and All That is Holy, tonight we have Wind Advisories! Because there are Category 2 hurricane-force winds blowing outside, stranding people on highways as 7-foot-piles of snow cover their cars in one 90 mph gust. Good times, people. Good times.

But! I still love it! So, ha!

And now is where I give credit where credit is due. I present to you a stock photo image of my (previously) shiny new vehicle. A stock photo b/c the actual vehicle that I have is covered in snow mud. So, here tis:

See, mountains and everything! And that's the color of mine too, so there. I don't know how anyone survives up here without AWD, and I have been so very grateful for it in the past few weeks.

Mazda and I are renewing our formerly lusty love affair, and it's going well so far. I'll keep you posted...

Thundersnow

2006-12-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it. It's happening again. They're estimating this storm to be even worse than last week b/c then the snow was fluffy and light, and now it's wet, heavy snow. Awesome. Roads are closing, the airport is shutting down, shelters are popping up everywhere, blahblahblah.

So my office closed down again today and will remain closed tomorrow, which normally would make me giggle and click my heels, but I have! cabin fever!!!

Yes, I stocked up on food and my car is in the covered garage, but I CANNOT LEAVE.

The cool thing is the news just said the front range is getting "thundersnow", which they described as just like a thunderstorm except instead of rain, it's snow. How cool would that be??? I hope I get me some of that. It would be weirdly unsettling, to hear big claps of thunder and then the silence of snow falling.

I'll keep you posted. There probably won't be any more snow pics, though, because you know - you've seen one blizzard, you've seen em all.

sigh.

Love! Winter! Still!
Not drunk!

dRunK bLogGing roX

2006-12-28T01:28:00.000-07:00

Thank you, Tamara. Thank you for leaving behind half a bottle of Pinot. Because today? Sucked. Without going into all the nit-picky details of how my day sucked, let me just say that here is the icing on the cake, people: Tomorrow, we are expected to have a storm that might EQUAL OR SURPASS the storm last week. Yeah, the one that left us trapped in our houses for days, turning our brains to mush and our vehicles to mud-covered not-new-anymore messes on wheels.

did I mention i was a little drunk? It's about damn time. well, except for Christmas Eve with the Dupuy's... that was kind of drunk too. But you know, I have to say Pinot is a lot smoother than Beaujolais (major sp - sorry, drunk).

anyway. going to bed now, fully expecting to wake up to not a winter wonderland, but a nice pretty layer of snow over the 10-feet-high piles of black snow in every parking lot as far as the eye can see. Good times.

I love colorado! I still do!

drujnk.

Snug

2006-12-26T10:57:00.000-07:00

Today I am recovering from the holidays and preparing to go back to work tomorrow - a week after the blizzard. I finally uploaded some pictures to share. Behold. Jess embraces the lovesac:

Evidence that Jess went out on the balcony to check out the white stuff, then performed a quick about-face and came back inside:

View from my living room:

And finally, One Happy Cat by the Fire:

More good stuff to come...

Cabin fever

2006-12-22T00:49:00.000-07:00

So I'm not *quite* ready to gnaw off my own arm to escape, but I'm getting close. My office was closed again today and will be closed tomorrow, as well -- the streets probably won't be clear until after the weekend. So this working from home thing... while nice sometimes, I've decided I would go batshit crazee if I never had the office interaction. I was actually DISAPPOINTED to find out that work was cancelled again tomorrow. Not that I'm not working; and therein lies the other problem. I can't turn it off when I'm working at home all day. It is almost 1am and I am still checking my work email -- and still getting messages. It seems I'm not the only crazy person on a weird schedule due to days of weirdness.

I'm not having nearly as much fun in the snow as my sis down in S. Denver -- they spent the day shoveling tunnels through the cul-de-sac so they could walk around and the kids could build huge snow structures with the piled snow. Um, apartments suck in situations like this -- we're all just bundled into our little pods, alone and b-o-r-e-d. sigh.

Jess is slowly turning from grey to black from sleeping in front of the fire going on 36 hours now. Piper has made a dent in the laundry pile on my bed and is somewhere in there. I am camped on the couch, close to the tv, the kitchen, and the laptop.

So nothing exciting going on, just more being trapped in the house. I might see if I can get out a little tomorrow, if the apt. complex has plowed the roads a bit. I have my new AWD vehicle and while not magic, it will be great driving in this type of weather. But let me emphasize again, not magic. Six-feet-tall snow drifts? Um, no. I'll wait it out, thank you very much.

Blizzard.

2006-12-20T21:59:00.000-07:00

As I feel a veritable blizzard of emotions... HA! You thought I was going to be all serious again! But, no.

One word, people: Blizzard. As in, SNOW. As in, almost 24 hours now and still going strong. At least two feet. Everything closed down, including the highways and the airport; the mall, across the street from where I live? Being used as a shelter for stranded motorists. Abandoned cars all up and down the roads. The governor has declared a state of emergency. Yee-hawww, it's ChristmasTime!!!

I am thoroughly enjoying the storm. I am snug in my apartment with a fireplace and two cuddly cats. I have spent the day in my nest working on my laptop and staring out the windows. I am fine on food, so the only thing bugging me at this point is -- damn, I'm bored. But in a good way... Looks like tomorrow is going to be like today, maybe worse since it's not going to get above freezing or stop snowing for another day or so.

My spirit will not be broken -- I still love Colorado. And damn, nothing like a metaphorical slate being wiped metaphorically clean by a 48-hour BLIZZARD..........

Hollow

2006-12-18T23:02:00.000-07:00

I ache. In my center, in my throat, in the back of my head. The ache of suppressed feelings, of just trying to get through the day. And yet, this is so insignificant in the face of so many other things. I think about how it felt to lose someone I really, truly loved. And as much as that hurt, I wanted that person to be happy, so that brought me some peace. In this case, I can think nothing but venomous thoughts, rage coursing through my veins, an ache in my throat becoming almost unbearable until some of it leaks out and rolls slowly, hotly, down my cheeks – then I can be calm again. Until the next song, the next movie, the next flashback memory. Some not so long ago. But still, it is not a broken heart. It is simply a sadness. More wasted time. More damage from which to recover, more baggage to lug. So much fucking baggage. I should be svelte from lugging all that shit around.

So I cuss, and I deny, and I suppress, and I fervently write angry unsendable emails to release venom and maintain my appearance of cool. To get through the day.

I think more than the actual facts, what’s hurting me are the other memories that are flooding back. Past broken hearts, broken for real. Shattered and taped back together, only to be shattered again – that’s my heart. This is merely bruising, not the real thing. And although bruises hurt, too, I don’t think your heart can ever hurt as much as it can at 18, when you’re desperately in love with someone who has to go away, someone who comes back different, no longer alone. What they say about first love is so true. I will never be that vulnerable again. Only once can someone be so naïve and open as to allow themselves to hurt that much. Only the young, only that first time.

Now I’m grizzled, with duct tape holding my heart together. Having lived through several false loves and one true love, then falling into the rut of a barren, hollow love. I’ve never been good with endings. I like to always have a glimmer of “what if” hanging out there, but sometimes shit happens and you know that that glimmer is truly gone, gone for good. That is the hardest thing for me. Finality.

I’ve been reading a blog since November, written by a young father whose young, healthy wife became suddenly ill and was dead within 5 days – and they still don’t know why. Reading through his process, his grief, his shock, the phases of his acceptance, it is amazing. Simply amazing. I am so aware that I have not lost, not really. This man began blogging for himself, to prevent himself from exploding (and I sure do know about THAT), and he has gained so much support he never expected, never dreamed of. He has touched so many lives in the telling of his story. In the face of his loss and the loss of his children, I feel blessed. I really do.

Blessed and angry.
Sad and relieved.

Finally.

uncomfortably numb

2006-12-17T22:55:00.000-07:00

The more it sinks in, the less I am aware of taking air into my lungs. When she first told me, I was oddly ambivalent. I felt nothing but curiosity. But an hour later, it hit me like a ton of bricks: once again, I had been passed over in favor of someone else. This has happened before. More than once. No matter what rational thoughts I might have had initially, right now all I can think of is how unlovable I must be. Because, seriously. Did I love him? No. Did I think we had a future? Not since 2001, no. But does it hurt that in the two months since I’ve last spoken to him, he’s managed to knock up his ex-girlfriend and propose to her? Why yes, yes it does.

Just let me be

2006-12-07T22:41:00.000-07:00

For the past month or so, I've been absorbed in my work, nesting into my apartment, hating my car, sparking my cats -- living life in Colorado. I've been so absorbed, actually, that I've lost track of time and did you know I've been here almost four months??? I know. Me too.

I've been feeling what I can only describe as "meh" lately. It's been bugging me, and I've been trying to figure out what's wrong. Then today I had an epiphany -- nothing is wrong. That's IT. For the first time in many years, I am right where I want to be, doing exactly what I want to do at this moment. It could all change next week, or 10 years from now, who knows. But for right this moment, I am -- dare I say -- content. Only I could mistake content for meh.

So here's the thing, people: I don't know what to do with myself. I can't just relax and be happy because I never have and I don't know how. Aren't I supposed to be striving toward something? Always looking to upgrade my life, whether it's a job, a house, a car, even a state? I don't. know. what. to. do. omg.

Why is it so hard to just be? Why do I feel like I should be doing this, or trying to do that, trying to improve in some way. Improve the contents of my refrigerator, improve my purse, improve my hair. But isn't it okay, sometimes, to just ... stop and relax for a bit? Take some time to sit down and enjoy the view? I've realized that the only person pushing me to feel something or be something different is myself.

I do of course have long-term goals. But for now? I'm going to try and settle into this new life I've begun for myself. The only thing that could make it better right now, besides coercing all the people I love to move to Denver? A cruise. Right. Now. A cruise would be good --- although -- is that not what I'm doing?

Weird things happen when it’s cold.

2006-12-07T13:22:00.000-07:00

What kinds of weird things? Well, things like:

• Massive amounts of static electricity, whenever/whatever I touch, including the cats. I pet Piper when I got up during the night the other night and it looked like fireflies were scurrying around under her fur, with all the sparks that were flying. Question: Can a kitty catch fire from the sparks caused by static electricity? I need to find out. Could be bad. Also, the cats can do it themselves; I’ve seen them bump wet noses only to hear a “pop” before they both lurch backwards. Poor babies.

• Previously creamy and dewy skin turning into scales.

• Three-year-old, previously reliable cars refusing to start. And requiring two new batteries in the past two months.

• Former shop-a-holics wanting to rush straight home after work (it gets dark at 4:30 here), not even wanting to run a single errand -- just anxious to get home and into fleece.

So, yeah. But! Despite all, I am loving the weather. You know you’re in the right place when hearing the words, “BIG warm-up later this week – highs in the 50s!” on the morning news makes you unspeakably giddy. Also, when it’s 30 degrees outside and you don’t wear a coat – not because you’re impaired, but because it simply doesn’t feel THAT cold to you – in fact, it feels comfortable. And now that you think about it, you realize that the heat blowing inside your office is making you sweat and you kind of hate it.

Stress in its purest form: 700 words and thick ice.

2006-11-30T16:04:00.000-07:00

The pace of today has been on par with the slippery-ness of the ice packed down on the sidewalks and less-traveled roads (e.g. my route to work). It snowed yesterday, and while the news reported my area got 4 1/2 inches, I beg to differ; I set my coke can down on someone’s snowy hood, to see how deep it was, and it sank well below the snow level until I had to dig it out again. So, deep. I love it, except for the ice part; this is the first time this season that it’s snowed and then stayed below freezing for more than a day. Yesterday the high was something like 15. No worries, I worked from home in front of the fire, but today was almost worse, though the main roads have been cleared. At least my car thought so; it is dead again. The brand new battery I bought about six weeks ago is completely out of juice, for whatever reason. I’ve about had it. I might get the dealer to replace it and then go trade the whole car in for something new and shiny. Something with AWD, that won’t slip around as much on ice-packed snow. Something that smells pretty and makes my heart beat faster every morning when I slide inside and buckle up. Oh, the thrill of my 7-minute commute, in a new car. It is going to ROCK.

Anyway… I didn’t have time to deal with the dead car today as AAA was backed up, and I’m off tomorrow anyway, so I bummed a ride to work, as I will home, and will deal with it tomorrow. In the meantime, between now (4:00pm) and the morning, I have a 4-page brochure to write. Yes. Thus my comment about the pace. The prospect is making my stomach hurt, but I tend to work well under extreme pressure, so Pulitzer baby, HERE I COME!!! Haha! Ha. ha…

Jess has spent an unhealthy amount of time stretched out two inches from the fire, all four feet touching the hot metal grate, tail lazily flicking as his insides slowly bake to a crisp. Crispy kitty.

that is all.

post (and pre?) holiday blues

2006-11-26T22:10:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to determine where my Sunday night went wrong. Although I guess given the circumstances, it was doomed -- last day of 4-day weekend and all. But my Sunday in general was good; very relaxing, semi-productive around the house, recharging after the holiday and such; but I've figured it out. What went wrong was Brokeback Mountain. Yeah, i finally caught it on HBO and man was it depressing. I don't even know that I liked it that much or understand why Heath Ledger got nominated for best actor (did he win?); it was simply haunting, tragic, and depressing. Bleah. Everything has been downhill from there.

Like what, you ask? Like my discovery of the unopened jar of roasted peanuts in the pantry, the one I bought for my dad and meant to take to my sister's. But forgot. That one. Also, too much Crystal Light? Is not a good thing. It is NOT the same as water, people. I'll leave it at that. TV has also sucked tonight. After the incredible Brokeback downer, an episode of the shockingly violent and raw series "The Wire" came on HBO. If you've never seen it? Make sure you're in a darn good mood when you do. But a good mood you're perhaps annoyed with, and ready to squelch. Then, knock yourself out.

All of this to say I am more bummed than usual on a Sunday night. It's the end of a 4-day weekend, the gorge-fest that was Thanksgiving, spending time with family, sleeping in for a few days, and now...back to normal. EXCEPT. Except for that pesky day coming up where you buy all the gifts? That one. Yes, that one. We're in the homestretch, the super-sonic-fast-crazy-stressful last month leading up to one single day that will surely be anticlimactic. It has been since I stopped believing in Santa. And did I mention that I don't get to go home this year?

However. I did put up a tiny tree today, decorating it with some ornaments I've collected over the past couple of years and forgot about since I've been Scrooge for, oh, three years now. So yeah, it's only 4-feet high and I give it maybe half a day of unsupervision before the cats eat it, but still.

fa-la-la-la-la
lala
la
la.

all about nothing

2006-11-22T23:14:00.000-07:00

As I sit in my nest, halfway watching Intervention, taking more pictures of Jess I will not get around to downloading or uploading, my fireplace on and my window cracked, suddenly and unexpectedly the fragrance of fried chicken wafts seductively into the room. It takes me a few minutes to identify the sweetness, and then it starts: the foreign craving for fried chicken. I can honestly say I have not had fried chicken in years. I don't know how many years. But suddenly, I totally want it. Now.

Awww look, the meth head just agreed to go to treatment.

But back to the fried chicken. Holy CRAP did that smell good. I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving tomorrow at my sisters house; my parents are in town and my sis and her husband are going to cook a delightful Thanksgiving spread for us. What this means to me, besides family bonding time, is REAL FOOD. Oh, how I miss real food. The only time I get it is at sistah's, and thank you very much sistah! I dont cook, and I have yet to find anywhere really good to eat around here. So I survive on Lean Cuisines, soup, sandwiches, and other random odds and ends I pull from my cupboard. Yeah, and sometimes, um, pizza. And noodles. And.........never mind.
shut up.

So here we go again, deep into a blog post that started off with a point and has now degenerated into boring muck. Why does this keep happening lately??

Rather than prattle on, I'm going to end it. Why beat a dead horse? Not tonight, anyway. Happy Thanksgiving ---- wait-----------we're at the END of November????????

Whoa.

I find I’m flakier in Colorado

2006-11-15T14:04:00.000-07:00

Now I know my Texas friends are all like, “HUH? Is that possible? You mean she bails on even more HHs and parties there than here???” Um, no. I mean literally flaky. As in, my skin falls off in delicate little flakes.

(Note: This is a beauty product post, so my thousands of male readers might want to stop here.)

My sister warned me this would happen. You see, I’ve never been a lotion-all-over-my-body person; I only put lotion on my feet, at night, before I go to sleep. I don’t know, shut up. Anyway, in Austin it was so humid all the time that I had no need to add more moisture to myself. But finally, halfway into November in CO, my arms itch. And my legs. And my back. And it’s freaking me out. Here’s the thing – I am far too lazy to lotion up my whole self. It’s just a lot of work, and then my hands are all wrinkly and over-moisturized. So I’m adjusting. There must be a better, more methodical way to get the job done than what I’m doing. It would probably also be more pleasant if I shaved my legs, but that’s neither here nor there.

So the good news is, I’m finally using up all the frilly lotions I’ve accumulated over the past two or so years of my beauty-product obsession. So that’s good. The bad news is, I’ve naturally become more high-maintenance just by moving here. BUT … the reduction in bad hair days ALMOST evens it out. ALMOST.

In other beauty news, I just discovered that Secret has a deodorant scent called “Sparkling Vanilla,” and no, it doesn’t affix glitter to your armpits. However, it smells much lovelier than your average floral/”fresh” scented deodorant.

That is all the girly-ness for today, I believe.

Chia-licious

2006-11-11T15:20:00.000-07:00

Y'all, the chia is out of control. Check it:

It makes me sad that the chia instruction booklet says they only live about 4 weeks. Two more to go...

So it's Saturday and I'm sitting on my couch working. That's right, working. And thank God i'm on my couch, because yesterday I thought my laptop was broken and I so would have hated having to sit at my desk. Something about a desk screams "WORK" whereas if i'm lounging on the couch working, I can pretend I'm not. IS ANYONE FOOLED? I didn't think so.

It's cold today, and I like it. Jess is wheezing in front of the fire. A&E is muted on the TV. There's half a slice of cake in the fridge. And life is ... okay. Not GREAT, or I wouldn't be working on a Saturday, instead of with my friends in Austin. But still -- I see mountains out my window and it makes me feel a little better.

More to come... if anything interesting ever happens, that is... ;)

I miss my friends.

2006-11-07T22:53:00.000-07:00

It's late, and I'm tired, and CO is going to have a Democrat Governor -- wooooo! But I can't stop feeling sad about this weekend. Because this weekend, you see, I have been scheduled to visit Austin and see all my peeps. And this weekend, instead I will be staying here, paying a penalty for changing a plane ticket,and most likely working. So, I am very sad. I am craving good Mexican food and margaritas and the smiles of the people I love. sniffle. sniffle.

In lieu of my trip to Austin, I am finally going to post some of the great pics from my going-away Happy Hour that I never got around to posting before. I present to you, my friends:

Anita and Babs

Hope and Tamara

There are more, but blogger crashes if I post more than a couple photos at a time, so they'll have to wait. I can't believe I've been here three months now. CRAZY.

Anyway, I will be going to Austin soon, but not this weekend. So to all my friends back home, please have a margarita for me, ok?? EACH of you, ok? Have a good ole TX margarita buzz for me...

And know that I miss you terribly.

What a difference a day makes...

2006-11-07T16:45:00.000-07:00

...in the life of a CHIA, that is!! Behold, 24 hours after the one I posted yesterday:

I'm SO going to win :)

how do you explain the concept of divorce to a 6-year-old?

2006-11-06T16:48:00.000-07:00

Well, as it turns out, you don't.

Last night I had dinner at my nephews' house, and somewhere between the drinks and the main course my 6-year-old nephew asked me

Aunt Lisa, how come you're not married?

Everyone froze for a moment, then my sister began explaining that not everyone gets married, some people are happy to be alone, etc etc. Now being silly, he came back with

But Aunt Lisa, have you ever married a lion? Or a bat? Or a reptile?

and I answered him truthfully:

Well, I did marry a snake once...

He seemed satisfied with that.

Larva sprouts send team into fits of ecstasy

2006-11-06T14:39:00.000-07:00

So I’m growing a pet chia dinosaur. But wait – it’s not just me; my whole row of cubes at work is having a chia contest! Yes! There are 6 of us participating, and amazingly, we all ended up with different chias. I have the Dino, but there is also a Scooby-Doo, a Mad Scientist head, a Donkey, a Hippo and a Cow. We spread our seeds (hehehe) last Tuesday and by last Friday they had started sprouting – we finally determined that’s what the white-rice/larva-looking things were sticking off the clay – and by today, after a weekend away, there was CHIA MAGIC. Today we came in to a sea of green leaves!! It’s all very exciting, considering I can’t grow a damn thing except ivy, historically. And chias are deceptively high maintenance, if you didn’t know. I didn’t. In any event, mine is doing well, as evidenced here:

Other people are doing fancy things like bringing in grow lights and “green housing” their chias overnight with plastic bags – but I’m proud to say I’m going natural and so far so good.

Did I mention we’re in the high-tech industry? Does that explain a lot?

Anyway, I know that was uber compelling, but I’ve really been struggling with my bog lately, so that’s all I can give you for now... sit tight for REAL-TIME chia updates.

possibilities...

2006-10-30T14:20:00.000-07:00

I am not frazzled today, for the first time in over a week. This is a good thing. Last week, when I was trying to do ten hundred frillion different projects and run to 40 gajillion meetings and run 890 trilgazillion errands, I remember the thought briefly crossing my mind that damn, I could sure use a clone. Why are we so opposed to cloning, again? Besides the innate creepiness and the frightening possibilities of life-gone-wrong, I mean? Come on now. Couldn’t you use a clone of yourself?

If I had a clone, I’d totally give it all the shit work while I’d go travel the world. Just think – as quickly as the clone could earn money, I could spend it! I wouldn’t even have to wait till the weekends! Or work around vacation time! On other days, I’d leave the clone at home to clean. Really scrub. Hell, I’d have the clone wash the cats.

The possibilities are endless. I could take the clone shopping with me, because I love shopping, but I’d make it try on all the clothes, so I could be forever spared from the harsh, unforgiving lights of the dressing room and the demoralization that comes from stuffing your body into stretch jeans that are STILL too tight. I would always have a designated driver. In fact, I could make it drive me everywhere, all the time! And at night, while I slept, I’d make the clone get a second job on the night shift. Just for extra spending money, you know. For all the traveling.

I would sign the clone up for eHarmony so it could weed through all the weirdo losers, and then I’d step in when it found someone worthy. Just think of it – no more bad dates, ever again. Kick. Ass. And if I did settle down and have a baby someday, the clone could totally babysit and do all the night feedings, too!

Bring it on, mad scientists of the world, bring it on.

CO photo array

2006-10-28T23:38:00.001-06:00

Tonight I finally FINALLY downloaded the pics of CO I've taken on my camera in the past few weeks. So in lieu of a deep and meaningful post, instead, I present you with my photo array.
First is the first snowstorm of the season. I say "first" because there have been THREE!!! This one was a couple of weeks ago, and it was my first real snow since I was 11. The photos are taken from my apartment balcony.

Now, here's a pic of the giant snowstorm we had last Thursday - 18 inches or so - my sistah posted pics of their antics on the big day. I stayed indoors and took pics instead...